Lightbulb
by NPSMJones
Summary: AU. Killian's life is a total mess. His addiction took control and he's trying to get a grip on life. Emma Swan is the perfect medical student in the eyes of her cousin and her fiancée. But Emma sees her future totally different. When they meet, it feels like looking in the mirror.(Rated M for several chapters, Alcoholc! Killian)
1. Chapter 1

It was a rainy night. The traffic lights across the street flickered in an orange gloom and lighted up the raindrops. Cars passed the bar way too fast and splashed fallen rainwater over the sidewalk. The bar was almost empty, except for a couple making out next to the jukebox and a man that stared blankly at the little television in the corner. A calm jazz tune resounded in the bar.  
>But he didn't notice any of that. The street outside and the bar were all one vague picture. The only thing visible was the glass of rum where he had been staring in. It wasn't the taste that was the reason why he was hopelessly addicted to it, because after all this time he couldn't taste it anymore. He just drained a bitter tasting liquid that made him forget. He felt his legs quiver underneath the table and tossed down yet one more glass. He lifted up the bottle next to him and tilted it sideways but to no avail. It had been his third bottle but he hadn't had enough. His hand raised into the sky and the bottle shattered to the ground. He looked fuzzy down and blinked slowly. By the time he had lifter his head back up a woman appeared in front of him. She was all one blur. A purple.. No, a red top and some.. jeans ? The rest dripped out of his eyesight like the rain outside that was ticking against the window.<p>

"I think you've had enough." The woman had pity in her voice and held him by his shoulder. Anger overflew him, he could take care of himself. After all, it was his life and noone else's, if he wanted to get piss-drunk every night then he could! He slapped the hand away and pointed at one of the empty bottles.

"'Nother one p-please." He drunkenly stuttered. The woman stayed by his side and sat down in the chair next to him.

"It's 4 A.M, we're closing soon." He looked up by that sentence. The sickmaking couple and the lonely man had vanished and only he was left over. _Damn, was it really that late ? _It seemed like he had just been there for an hour.  
>"And besides, won't Nana miss you ?"<p>

"Come on, Killian." The woman begged. The way she said his name, with concern in her eyes. Ruby. The woman that had helped him trough a lot of rough times. _How in bloody hell could he appear to her like this ?_ Ruby helped Killian up from his chair and dragged him towards the exit. But Killian wrestled himself loose from her arms and stumbled towards the door.

"It's okay.." He swallowed the bitter taste away. "I'll do it.. m'self." He sputtered. His hands grabbed the door handle and he stepped outside.  
>His legs felt like they were too thin or too weak to hold up his torso. His knees bended from left to right and before Killian got to his car he fell to the ground. The wet gravel under his trembling hands stung badly. Suddenly the parking lot spinned around him. The booze from earlier climbed it's way up his throat and made his mouth sour. He held his bleeding palm against one of the bins while the liquid flew disgustingly out of his mouth. He breather heavily and wiped his mouth clean. Killian wondered about how Liam would think of him right now, like this. He always told him not to drink away his money, but nothing else made him forget more. Liam worked so hard to earn money for both of them, and Killian also tried but his addiction got him thrown out of every place. He was such a disgrace.<p>

He pulled himself from the ground using the filthy garbage can next to him and searched for his keys in his pocket. The lock of his car danced in front of him as he tried to catch it with the silver keys. When he succeeded to unlock it and open the door he drove away. He learned to drunk drive pretty well. Here and there some mailboxes fell to the ground or a traffic light got ignored but getting home was mostly the case. He parked his black car in the driveway and sighed deeply. This was no life. Getting drunk every day, being a jobless wanker, it wasn't a life to be proud of. His brother had succeeded in his medical studies but Killian never managed to kick it that far. The rebellious younger Killian had been his downfall.

He walked up to the elevator and pressed the button. The elevator responded to his call slowly and rusty. The doors made a path in the tiny room and he stepped inside. Leaning against the creaking iron wall he looked up. The alcohol dripped down from his brain and the world stopped spinning around. He could taste the sour leftovers in his mouth and he felt his right hand bleeding slightly. His shirt smelled of booze and cigarettes which he longed for. And as much as he wanted to stop by the cigarette machine he knew he couldn't taste it either way. And besides, it wasn't like he had any money left. Opening his apartments door was a lot easier now that the alcoholic clouds had parted and made some place for reality. And it came crushing down in front of him. He had fucked up yet again. And as much as he wanted to believe this had been the last time he drowned himself in his rum, it was very clear it wasn't. Tomorrow he would began to feel the pain again. And he would miss his old life again. And when that happened, the only thing he yearned for was to forget.

He lied down in his bed. His apartment was small and compact. A tiny studio with a little kitchen, a table and some chairs, a sofa and possibly the cheapest television you could find, a bathroom with a shower and a toilet that was awkwardly close to it and in the corner his large and cosy bed. More he couldn't afford. He closed his eyes and let the darkness fill up his mind. Yet again, he wanted to forget how he had been such a drunk mess. _I'll search for a job tomorrow, and I'm bloody keeping it._ He promised himself, hoping that this time he wasn't lying to himself.

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><p><em>This... Is just one of my stupid ideas that I got while daydreaming. I'm not sure if I'm going to continue this very long because I don't think many people will like it. But either way, I'm going to upload a chapter now and then, mostly irregular, depending on what you guys think of it ^-^ <em>

_See ya later :)_


	2. Chapter 2

Her pen swirled around the checked paper and made strange figures. Contrary to everybody else, her paper was filled with flowers and quotes from her favorite movies and lyrics from awesome songs. Whatever the professor in front was saying, she didn't care, not really. She would just come home and make up a summary from out of her book and her niece would be happy. The classroom was quiet, which she found satisfying. Only the sound of clicking pens and sighing students were hearable which made her concentration optimal. And actually she should be thanking David and Mary-Margaret for forcing her into these boring classes, she could do her thing. She could sit peaceful and quiet drawing whatever she wanted. She remembered that once, in one of her easiest classes, she drew a wonderful ship with golden sails and a shiny deck. And because she was so proud, her heart took control. Stupid as she were, she showed it to them with eyes full of pride. But of course, they responded with a shaking head. Disapproval struck her heart and cracked it. Now she just hid it. She practically lied about everything. She wasn't paying attention in class, her diet wasn't going 'wonderful' and she wasn't fucking hanging out with that Aurora chick. But as soon as she entered the Nolan's villa, she became God's most perfect made angel. _Sometimes she almost puked all over herself._

The eternal stem of her curly flower made out of ink ended when a loud ringing noise lead her to the library. She still had some research to do on some stupid proposition and she was meeting someone there. And as much as she lied to her niece, lying wasn't actually her thing. So when she promised to meet someone, she always showed up. She placed her leather bag on the table and took out a little paper.

'BRS Physiolog' it read in old, almost vanished letters. She held the paper in front of her as she inspected the large bookcase. She was at the section 'Biology' when a slim finger tapped on her shoulder. At first she hesitated to turn around and wanted to speed up so those perverts couldn't get her. But the giggle behind her back gave it away.

"Belle! How are you ?" She shouted. Belle held a finger on her lips and looked at all the angry faces throwing looks.

"Hi Emma, it's so nice to see you! I've been great." She smiled "I didn't expect you to show up, with all that medical stuff.."

Emma sighed and held her friend by her shoulder. "I always make time for the best barista in the world. Would you want to help me search this book, i can't find it..." Emma showed the tiny paper to Belle and before Emma could even explain why she'd needed it the girl rushed through the streets made by huge bookcases. The thin girl danced trough the streets as if she had lived there. Emma ran after the dancer and stumped some people to the ground in the process. Almost at the back of the room, Belle stopped and swayed a wooden ladder in front of her. She climbed all the way to the top and threw a fat green book at Emma, who hadn't seen it coming and got it on her head. Belle laughed as Emma picked it back up from the carpet.

"How do you even do that ?" Emma looked at her friend on the top of the ladder who had made herself very comfortable.

"Magic." She winked and came down from the stairs.  
>The pair went to a little café in the street next to the campus. Belle drank tea, as always and Emma ordered a cappuccino. While the skies cried their eyes out, Emma and Belle cackled about how things were and could be. Belle's tea shop had good ratings and recently some famous writer with a strange name had visited her and Belle couldn't shut up about it. But Emma didn't mind, she enjoyed the stories of her friend rustling inside her head. More then some nodding and shocking expressions weren't included in that afternoon for Emma, so after she had finished her second mug she said goodbye to her friend and headed home.<p>

The rain ruined her hair and clothes on the way back home. She wasn't allowed a car so she had to take the bus. But since she missed it she had to walk all the way back. _God this rain never seems to end, does it?_ Her all-stars were soaked in cold rainwater and her jeans were splattered with mud. Great. Right before she entered she shook off the rain and hid a book the 'borrowed' from the library. She put on the fakest and most innocent smile she could think of and entered what for her seemed like hell.

"Home !" She yelled through the white halls. Short after her shouting, a clacking of heels approached her. Her cousin took off her coat and kissed her on the forehead.

"How was today, Emma ?" she asked politely. She looked down at the book Emma was holding and nodded approvingly.

"Great, Mary-Margaret, but I still have a lot of work. See you at dinner !" Emma ran up the gigantic stairs and made her way to her bedroom. She felt bad for calling this place hell. David and Mary-Margaret were great people and gave her everything she needed. Except the one thing she longed for, freedom. Every night she stared out her window and wondered how it would be to choose what she could and couldn't do. She wanted to climb out her window and go to pubs, meet new people and discover the world. And only a thin layer of glass held her away from that. But she couldn't do that to David and Mary-Margaret. Leaving them would break their heart and Emma would feel left alone yet again.

Emma closed the door behind her after dinner. Her mouth corners hurt from the show she had put up. As much as she wanted, she couldn't care less about David's promotion as a head police officer. She just asked him pointless questions which kept him talking for at least another fifteen minutes and answered questions when asked. She put her hair up in a messy bun and took out the book from the library. It was from her favorite unknown author. The cover was dark black and some white flowers crawled up from the side. Behind the title you could see a city, but none like you've ever seen before. It had magnificent buildings and skyscrapers that tickled the clouds. The canal that surrounded the city was dark black. Emma always inspected the cover before she even read the title. And this writer's covers were her drugs.

_August Booth - Once Upon A Time_

Without hesitating she let her body fall onto the bed and she dived into her own fictional world. Escaping from reality was the only thing keeping her sane and the only thing she didn't regret afterwards. The white pages printed with black letters replaced the overcrowded stress in her head with a feeling of joy. For once, she could forget school and rules and live in the world of her own. She felt like a princess locked up in her own castle.

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><p><em>I would really appreciate a follow or a review ^-^<em>


	3. Chapter 3

Something approached his bed. It jumped up and came laying next to him.

"Hey there, little girl." Killian petted his dog gladly. He jumped up for a second, thinking that he had brought home someone. He hated when he did that. Because then he had to awkwardly ask their name and apologize. And then they'd leave and never return. Well, one day a girl had stayed. She said he was a kind man and insisted to stay a day with him. And he tried, oh, he had never tried as hard as then to keep it all together. And at first, he succeeded. He stayed away from the rum and even the cigarettes. But after a while she started to look a lot like _her._ The way she talked. The way she cheered him up. And it became clear he wasn't ready yet.

Killian laid back down and pressed his head into the pillow. His head pounded and his stomach complained. It wasn't clever not to eat before you drink, but Killian was far past those concerns. Before getting up he checked his phone. 12:00.

2 messages  
>3 missed calls<br>1 voicemail

Killian could've guessed. Without even looking he knew who it was. Because there was only one person nowadays who he could disappoint, and that was Liam. The first message was from last night around 1 A.M. '_Where are you ? Don't say you're at the bar again! I'm warning you, Killian !' _Killian sighed and opened the next one.  
>This one was from one hour ago. <em>'Killian, I'm coming over. And pick up when I call you !' <em>Hey, wait right there... He was **coming over ? **He couldn't do that. I mean, this place was a mess. And he wasn't dressed and his headache was just warming up. But he opened the voicemail first.

_"Killian, Ruby gave me a call. Says she had to drag you out last night. I thought you were getting better !" _Killian chuckled a little at that. Who would think that, he was a wreck. "_Anyways, I'm coming over. I want to talk to you because I don't want you to.. to destroy your life like that. And I know why you're doing this, but that won't make her come back. It really won't. I'll see you at half past twelve. You'll better be there 'cause I'm skipping class for you."_ And the voicemail ended. His brother was coming over in twenty minutes and he wasn't even dressed yet. Killian got out of bed and stumbled against the wall next to him and noticed his feet weren't quite ready to do as he wanted. Nana got up and followed him to his closet. He picked up a red t-shirt and his favorite black pants and put them on. He was just cleaning up the mess when the doorbell rang. '_Okay'_ he thought to himself '_Time for war.' _

He dragged himself to the door and opened it with a fake smile. He though if he'd just pretend nothing had happened, he might believe himself.

"Hello brother of mine. How's school ?" He tried to get away with a smirk but Liam looked him straight in the eye.

"Hi Killian." He just proceeded to the couch and pushed away all he clothes so he could sit down. "You should clean up."

"I was planning to." Killian hoped he would believe that but honestly, his brother knew that that weren't his plans. There was a long silence. Killian felt the disappointment burning against his neck. His brother just sighed and looked around. Here and there some bottles and clothes scattered around. Only Nana's place was sparkly clean. Her water bottle nicely filled up and her foodbowl half-full.

"Look, I'm really sorry. I went too far last night. I'm sorry, Liam." Killian begged for forgiveness. His brother was the only one he had left. And he was the biggest disgrace on the entire planet. "I just.. thought I'd forget everything, you know? And at first I got it under control but it kinda got out of hand after a while." Liam just looked up at him. He felt obviously pitiful and got up from the sofa.

"I'm not here to complain, Killian. You're my little brother and I'm just worried. What if you go even further one night and you don't wake up ? You're the only family that I've really got. And I don't want something to happen to you. Aren't you scared yourself ? Aren't you scared you'd become like dad ?" A shockwave ran over Killian's spine. He hadn't thought about his dad for a long time. And everytime he almost did, he'd try to forget it as soon as possible. And he felt scared there for a moment. What is he actually was ? What if he was actually becoming the man he refused to even think about ?

"I'm not like him !" Killian yelled. He felt angrier then ever. His dad had been a horrible man, how could Liam compare him with the man ? "How do you dare even think that I'd do what he did ? I wouldn't leave you, bugger off !"

"Killian.. I don't mean it like that, I-"

"What ? You really believe that I'm a good man, then, do you ? Well, surprise, I'm not. I'm a jobless drunk without a proper family, bloody hell !" Killian's eyes became red of anger. Why couldn't Liam just make his own life better ? Killian's life was far beyond rescuing. So he had to see his brother suffer everyday because of him. He was sick of it. Damn, his brother even skipped classes for him and took half of his vacation to help him get off the rum. Without any succes of course but Liam never gave up. But Killian did a long time ago.

"Look at yourself, Killian. You've given up before you even started ! You just don't want to change, no, because it's so easy to just accept how pathetic you are, isn't it ? If you just keep on believing your such a jerk you might actually believe it yourself. And of course it's not easy but you could at least try. Just try to move on. Milah won't come back and mom won't either." Liam's eyes were furious.

"Don't you dare say her name." Killian hissed.

"That's the bloody problem ! You have to forget about her, without getting fucking drunk ! That isn't what she would've wanted, is it ? What happened to you, Killian ? You were so cheerful and encouraged once. I miss that, you know ?" Liam sighed and put his coat back on.

"That man is long gone, mate." Killian said bitter. He opened the door for his brother to let him out.

"Nice talk, we have to do it again sometime." Liam slammed the door behind him. Yes, war had started and Killian had yet again hurt his only familymember left. Congratulations, Killian, you're an ass.

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><p>"Name, sir ?"<p>

"Killian Alfred Jones"

"Age ?"

"I'm 22 years old."

"What is your motivation to work at the MovieMarket ?"

"Well, I know a lot about movies and I live pretty close by so I'll hardly ever be late." Killian smiled at that note; these arguments were pretty good. He might actually get the job. And it was obvious this interview wasn't very professional so he didn't have to prepare anything.

"Wait here for a moment, sir, I'll be back." Killian wondered why the man kept calling him 'sir'. The man itself was quite fat and had sweaty armpits. He was middle-age but obviously had the body of a twelve year old, not the most professional boss you'd imagine. But he'd guess that was a good thing, so Killian didn't have to make himself look better then he actually was. The man returned and gave Killian a small pile of papers.

"You're hired. Just fill in this contract and I'll see you next week on Monday." The man extended his arm. Killian shook the hand and nodded. "See you next week, Killian."

"Thankyou, I'll be there." Killian smiled and left the office. He was happier then ever, he actually did it. He had a job that was possibly even amusing and he was planning on keeping it. He started dreaming of what he could start to save money for. Maybe a working television ? Or a new cushion for Nana ? The excitement rose up to his head and before he knew he bumped into a girl. The girl fell to the ground.

"Look where you walk, jerk." The blonde complained. Wow, what a bitch.

"I'm sorry, love." Killian helped the blonde back up and put her hair behind her shoulder. She slapped his hand away and zipped her red leather jacket back up.

"Keep off me, you perv !" She flipped her hair over her back and practically ran away. Killian glanced over to see the pretty lady walk away. But nothing could destroy his happy mood. He had a job and was just about to call Liam for it.


	4. Chapter 4

Aurora's hand launched in the air when Professor Whale finished his question. The question was as easy as it could get for Emma, since she had stayed up all night trying to finish her medical homework; she accidentally read a book until 9 p.m. and started freaking out when she saw the blank pile of papers still on her desk. Ruby sat next to her and was too distracted to even hear the question, since she'd rather run op to Professor Whale and kiss him on the spot. Her hand rested under her head as she laughed at all the stupid jokes he made and constantly checked her make-up when she saw he was watching her, because he did that. Emma was more interested in the boy that sat a few seats away from her, next to Liam. Liam was one of her best friends and they spend a lot of time together, but he was still some of a closed book. Never really talked about his personal life and as far as she knew, she and Ruby were his only friends. Introducing was never really Liam's thing but Emma stood on her tip-toes for meeting who he was talking to right now. He had quite dark hair and a little beard, exactly what Emma was attracted to. She grabbed the round mirror out of Ruby's grip and checked herself on spots and when Ruby noticed whom she was looking at she grimaced.

"Not bad, Ems, not bad!"

Emma held her finger on her lips and hoped the boy wouldn't have heard that. Ruby just rolled her eyes and fixated on Professor Whale again, who winked at her. Ruby made a sound as if she were about to faint and wrote down some notes. Emma finished her drawing on the paper and when the bell rang she rushed to her best friend. Luckily she noticed that the boy was still there and tried to look as normal as she could.

"Hi, Liam. Mind having lunch in The Fourchette after the next class?" She walked up to Liam and made a surprised face when she noticed the boy.

"Can't, sorry. Oh, and Emma, meet Graham."

"Hello Emma." The boy spoke "So, are you two dating or something?"

Emma and Liam both started to laugh uncontrollably and after a few minutes they cooled down, Emma not believing he just said that. "Nononono, Liam and I just know each other from class and I'm so kind for offering him my friendship" She winked at Liam.

"Damn, would've been a good choice, Jones." Emma blushed at Graham's words. "And why can't you come with her?"

"I have got some problems back home. I'm skipping class, I'm sorry."

"Again?" Emma asked sadly.

"Yeah, thought I never had to but turns out I was wrong..." Liam clenched his fist and checked his phone.

"Could you just please tell what's this about, maybe we can help." Emma asked politely, not trying to insult him.

"It's my brother... Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy but just went a little... wild with.. _stuff._" It felt like Liam couldn't even speak the words without his eyes shimmering with some tears. Liam blinked them away and smiled at his friends. "But don't worry, I'll handle him! You guys get some lunch or something, see you later." He strode off and left Emma and Graham there.

The pair stood there silent for a moment, looking at their feet as if they were waiting for a conversation to hit them in the face but then Emma remembered that she had to go to class. And she had Mathematics, which she wasn't looking forward to, besides if...

"Hey, you have Mathematics too now ?"

"Wait, let me take a look-" He took out a little paper with some writing on it "Seems like I do. Shall we proceed together?" He asked in an old man's voice and held out his arm for Emma. Emma bowed and took his arm. They had a good laugh in Mathematics laughing at Aurora when she answered incorrectly and when Graham drew a moustache above his lip with a pen Emma couldn't breathe for a moment. She was happy to have met him and she couldn't wait to have lunch. Luckily the hour passed quickly and they ran towards the cosy restaurant. The Fourchette was **the **place for people to have a nice lunch. Some bands performed in the evening and sometimes even in the afternoon. Emma ordered a Pizza Hawaii while Graham couldn't wait to get his hands on the restaurant's favourite kebab. A girl was singing with a guitar when they finished their food and ordered a glass of beer each. But Emma still had a load of work to do and David asked her to come home so they could have dinner together. Too tired and happy to make a fuss, she just agreed and said she wouldn't be late.

"So you just, like, hit her in the face?" Graham asked with a smile of misbelieve in his face.

"No one just tells me my stuffed unicorn isn't pretty."

"You were eight, normal eight year olds cry !"

"Well, I wasn't such a pussy like you then." Her eyes were full of pride. Graham finished his glass and put it on the table, Emma had already finished hers a long time ago but didn't get tired at all when she was talking with Graham. They stood up and glanced another look at the performer on the stage, it was still the girl but a friend had joined her and they were now jamming together. They covered a Coldplay album and Emma was sure to search them on Google and listen to some of their tracks. Graham looked on his watch and nodded; it was 4 p.m. and that meant his class was starting soon, and Emma had to return home. He looked into her eyes and placed a soft kiss on her cheek and smiled when he saw her blushing and looking around the room, trying to find something to focus on so she wouldn't grab him in for a kiss.

"See you at Practical Exercise tomorrow then?" He chuckled when he saw she still couldn't look him in the eyes and she nodded. He took off and Emma went the opposite direction, towards the bus-stop. She was worrying about what she would have to do when she got home. Not only all the homework but she also had to help David with his files, since he still couldn't get over the fact that she had **no** interest at all in becoming what he was. Plus she wanted to finish the book she bought and had to do some research about Rabies. She sighed but smiled when she felt the sun burning on her skin, it was a beautiful day and she could spend it next to the pool with her papers. Suddenly someone blocked the sunlight and ran straight into her. The man looked as if he hadn't slept for days but was still smiling bright. His clothes smelled like alcohol and a lot of smoke and coughed a little when she accidentally buried her nose in his shirt and fell to the ground. The dark-haired man looked down to her and smirked as if he thought it was funny. And she really didn't.

"Look where you walk, jerk." She yelled up at him, trying to get him to see the fault he just made. These were her favourite jeans for fuck's sake.

"I'm sorry, love." he answered with a flirtatious smile. Emma couldn't believe it, he just knocked her to the ground and now he was calling her 'love' ? But she knew the accent from somewhere. She had heard it before, when Liam got a little loose when he got slightly drunk. The Irish jerk got her up and stepped closer to her. Emma didn't have a single clue what was going on. Was he going to kiss her or something? She shivered at that thought. That would be absolutely disgusting and she wasn't in the mood for licking out an ashtray. Instead he just pushed her hair over her shoulder and looked at her from head to toe. _Was he_ **_seriously_ **_checking her out right now ? _She put on a disgusted face and pushed him back, slapping his hand back. She noticed his eyes got stuck on her chest and zipped up her leather vest. This man was being more inappropriate then she'd ever seen.

"Keep off me, you perf." She shouted and ran off, not believing what just happened. What would have happened when they would've been alone. She felt her eyes squint even thinking about that. She looked behind her and saw the guy smiling and crossing the road while he was dialling something on his phone, obviously not worrying about the fact that he just harassed a girl. She sighed, this guy was miserable. The bus came faster then she thought, the hours must've changed and on the ride home she read her notes she made in Mathematics. They contained a lot of jokes about Aurora like: What's Aurora's favourite place to pend the holidays? The Nerd-isles ! and of course a lot of drawing Emma made. She learned the useful stuff and got out of the bus. David wasn't home the first 3 hours so Emma buried her nose in her favourite book and tanned next to the pool. By the time she got to bed, she had already picked the clothes she'd wear the next day. She couldn't wait to see Graham again.

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><p>Review ? ^-^<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

The last couple of days had been better than Killian would've expected. He was very busy at work and had hardly been late. Though his boss hadn't been very fond of him. When Killian went out to get his well-deserved smoking break, Mr Finns always seemed to have some work laying around which was, to Killian, hardly something to worry about. But he was glad to have a job again, earning his own money instead of lending it from others. He also decided to take the night shift, so that would keep him away from the bar at night, and he succeeded in being clean for over a week now. Liam had just appeared in the weekends, and seemed to be very glad at the sight of Killian's cleaned up apartment though he couldn't stay very long since finals were coming. Sometimes Killian wished he hadn't given up college and met some new people; he didn't have that many friends for the moment. Some of them thought Killian had changed since what happened with Milah and some of them just got sick of him seeing him nothing but drunk every night. Only one of his best friends had stayed: Smee. The guy wasn't really a sunshine either, since he'd lost his leg in a car crash. Smee had had a very severe drug problem the moment Killian met him, and became his friend. Long ago, when times were even darker, him and Smee used to meet up in his apartment and mess up their lives together. But that stopped after the accident.

Killian remembered it like it had been yesterday. Smee and him went, like every other night, to this club called 'The Well'. They had met some other 'friends' there that gave them free access to the place behind it, where it was **crowded **with dealers. Killian never really got into that kind of stuff, mostly because he was already too drunk to hold it properly. Smee on the contrary seemed to have a yearning need to it, and since Killian's brain was working like a potato, he agreed to get him some. Of course nobody could see them, and they didn't really want to do it in the place at the back. So, Killian thought, it would be a great idea to drive over to the park and do it there. That was the moment it all went wrong. Killian wasn't driving, because he had been drinking again, so Smee took the wheel. What Killian didn't know, or didn't even think about, was that his friend had already taken some, probably while Killian was sitting at the bar, making a pass at some girls. They just weren't thinking. And about fifty meters from the park, Killian noticed something. Smee was gliding in and out of consciousness, his head falling against the window. Though Killian's reflexes were as useful as those of a disabled goose, he took the wheel and tried to control the car. But he had been too late. A tree had appeared in front of the car's lights and they crashed into it. Then it all went black for him. Next moment he was in the hospital, Liam sighing in his palms next to him. That was actually the moment Liam found out about Killian's addiction but he was also the man who told him that his best friend was in the OR. And Killian soon found out his leg had to be amputated. Killian's hand hadn't been in a good state either; it had been twisted and broken in the crash but he was lucky to keep it. Smee and Killian didn't hang out much after that, afraid to fall back in their old habits. But now and then, every 2 weeks, he saw back his best friend and told him he was clean. He didn't have a drop of alcohol when Smee was around and made him believe Killian had changed, which was one of the biggest lies he had **ever **told him. It had all been Killian's fault, if he hadn't suggested to drive over to the park then-

"Jones, tHERES A COSTUMER!" The voice of his boss made his eardrums shudder. The memory flew to the back of his head and he was staring into a man's eyes who were looking annoyingly nervous. How long had he been staring in the distance again? _Man, he really needed his cigarette-break now. _

"Oh, er, yeah. Hello, mate." He smiled at the costumer, hoping him to leave very soon so he could have his break.

"Just wanted to get this movie..." He lifted up an eyebrow and shoved a DVD on the desk.

"Good choice!" Killian noticed. He'd seen this horror movie for over a few times now but the guy was the first to actually lend it.

"Yeah, hope she'll like it either..."

"Ah, for your lass ?" The guy smirked at that. "And can I have your identity card, obligation ya know ?"

"Yeah, no not yet. Just met her a week ago, and here you go. I'm not younger than twelve, I promise." And he handed Killian his ID.

"This'll win her over, believe me, mate." He winked and handed the DVD. "Bring it back next week, Graham, and thanks for coming." Graham just smiled and nodded when he exited the store. Finally, time for his break.

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><p>It was Friday night. Killian found himself at the bar again. But Ruby, the waitress, refused to give him any booze. Instead he was burdened with a glass of Coke. But he was actually quite happy to have someone who told him not to drink. If she hadn't acted, the night would've went a whole other way. But, in total control of himself, Killian was having a conversation, of course with the only person in the whole bar who wasn't afraid of the aggressively drunk Killian: Ruby. She only went to work Saturday and Sunday evening and sometimes on Wednesday, when she didn't have any classes. She was still in college, studying for becoming an archeologist. But now she was telling Killian, for almost the hundredths time, how she attended an open class with her favorite medical teacher, Professor Whale. She squeaked when she told him again and again how he smiled and winked at her. "He's obviously single, right?" and "I think he really likes me" and of course "How long would it take for him to ask me on a date? How long do you guys usually wait, Killian?" she repeated quite a lot.<p>

Killian never saw something more in Ruby than just a friend. Partially because they practically grew up together. She lived next door when Killian and his family moved in, and they met on the playground when Liam fell from the swings. Killian didn't regret pushing his brother too hard, since Liam didn't let him on the swings first. But Ruby rushed over to Liam and patched him up with some band-aids she always seemed to carry around. Ever since, they played on the streets together. She was there at his first day in High School and was his only reason he never repeated a class. After Killian's mother died and Liam went to college, Killian started seeing her a lot less. Apart from his vague evenings at the counter, of course. But now and then he succeeded in appearing in front of her, clean and sober, ready to pay his dept and listen to **her **story for a change.

"Oh, and Killian. My friend Tink's having a great party after finals. All my friends will be there, do you mind coming ?" She asked totally out of the blue. Killian didn't just nod and smile at that, like he had been doing for the last hour, but looked up surprised.

"I would love to, lass, but don't you think... Well, there will obviously be some drinks there and... Don't you think now is not the time?" He couldn't really get out of his words. I mean, of course he **wanted **to come and meet some people. But knowing himself, he may not even remember the night after.

"But it'll be fine!" She squeaked. "You're not drinking now, are you? I mean, we're at a bar! And besides, it would be good for you to come out of your shell for an evening. You've been moving from your work to here to your apartment for the last week. Maybe some change in environment will do you good." And she looked at him with eyes sparkling of hope.

"I understand that, love. But what if-"

"You won't." And again, those eyes, who stared right into his soul. Someone who actually believed in him and really thought he could do a thing like that. Even Smee wouldn't dare suggest such a thing, even though he thought Killian was clean. And the conviction stroke Killian's mind.

"Whatever, say your friend I'll be there."

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" She squeezed the living soul out of Killian. Her arms crossed around his back and still yelling in his ear. Killian just froze for a second; it had been ages since someone hugged him. When she finally released Killian out of her tight grip, she looked at her watch and threw her hand on her forehead. "Damn, I'm late. See you later !" And she ran outside, leaving Killian frozen with a glass of Coke in his hand.

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><p><em>Reviewfollow/favorite ? Would make my day :)_


	6. Chapter 6

She held up the paper in front of her with her eyes closed, like she always did. She breathed in deep and out loud. _It'll be good. You just have to pass it. _Her eyes opened slightly but she looked to her side, where Tink was talking to Ruby, obviously passed the test. She moved her head to her paper again, biting her lip. Her heart raged and she felt herself becoming sweatier by the minute. If she didn't pass this test, she'll be in real trouble. Mary-Margaret would understand, although she'd be having a 2-hour conversation with her again about the importance of education, but David on the other hand would be furious. He wasn't the aggressive type, he was much worse. He was the silent, disappointed type, who would just sigh and refuse to look her in the eye. Emma thought she couldn't have a worse punishment then seeing the persons she admired the most seeing her as a disgrace. So she opened one eye. Slowly, then in one blink. Her eyes flew over the paper and spotted a capital letter C+. She jumped off her chair and accidentally hit Tink in the shoulder, who was now leaning on Ruby's chest, looking quite shocked up at the bouncing Emma.

"I passed, I passed, I passed !" Emma yelled over the auditorium. Also Graham noticed Emma's screams of excitement and was now enjoying how she got told off by one of the teachers. She sat back down and let out a squeak, while she handed the test over to Ruby. She just came in after her lesson, to catch up with her friends who all attended different classes than her. Ruby opened her arms and hugged the still up-and-down-jumping Emma.

Emma's eyes suddenly widened. "I can attend the party. Oh my god, Tink. I can actually come. I can't believe it." And now Tink was also smiling bright and writing another name in her phone. Emma could see a quick glance of the phone and saw a long lists of names, probably the whole school. But Emma wasn't really surprised; Tink was by far one of the most popular girls of the whole university and, Emma must admit, was also a very pretty girl, anyone was proud to be her friend.

While her friends all headed back to the two doors leading to the halls, forming a huge crowd, Emma saw Graham wave enthusiastically. She jumped over some desks and ended up in front of Graham who now lifted up her chin.

"Congratulations." He grinned.

"Ah, well thank you, fine gentleman." Emma got back to the old-man voice Graham had used when they first met. He now searched for one of her hands and fitted his into hers. She blushed again but this time she didn't try to look away and kissed him on the cheek.

"Where are we going, Graham?"

"My place, ready for a movie-night?"

"You're kidding me!"

"What… You don't like it?" He suddenly didn't sound so sure.

"No, no, It's freaking great!" Her eyes sparkled. "Let's go." And she pulled Graham's arm, leading him out of the auditorium, where Miss Grasp shook her head disapprovingly when they knocked over some chairs. They got into Graham's Volkswagen and drove off to his place. Emma stared out of the window and looked at people crossing the street and selling newspapers. An old lady had waved at her but the car accelerated quickly so Emma could just throw a little smile at her. Emma spotted some of her friends shopping and rolled down her window to shout something. Graham had just smiled and put on his sunglasses, trying to see trough the blinding rays of sunlight. They even saw Liam, who just came out an apartment complex with a grin Emma had never seen on his face before. They honked and asked if he perhaps needed a ride, but he refused and told him he had to study, on what they looked at each other with an _oh-shit-finals-are-coming _look but decided to procrastinate their work just a bit longer and parked Graham's car. Graham also seemed to still live with his parents and seemed to have a bunch of relatives. The villa was gigantic and when Emma glanced a look at the dining room, she saw a table, which was at least 16 feet long with chairs seated at each side.

Graham took her down to what seemed to be a cellar, which had been redecorated with Christmas-lights on the walls and a huge cozy sofa in front of a flat-screen. He put on some music and dimmed the lights while Emma made herself comfortable in the big brown sofa. Looking up to him, she tapped on the place next to her with a little simper. But he put back on his jacket and grabbed the remote from a distance so he could turn on the television.

"Just going to get the movie, you wait here!" He winked.

"Don't go running off, I'll find you." She snickered and threw a blanket over her long legs. The coffee table was full with filled bowls of chips and nuts. A large bottle of Sprite stood next to them and Emma didn't mind serving herself something to drink while she was waiting to have a great evening.

David and Mary-Margaret couldn't know about this. Not yet. If they knew she had a boyfriend, she first had to pass her finals and prove he didn't distract her from her work, which he was actually doing already. But **Emma** didn't mind, if she hadn't been with Graham, she would've been home, distracting herself form work with books, TV-shows and drawing. So now she could do that with Graham, instead of alone. And besides, he wasn't really her boyfriend, yet. Emma had a strange feeling that he'd kiss her tonight, with the dimmed lights and lonely cellar. God, how she'd missed this. The last time she had this, only some years ago, it hadn't went exactly like she would've wanted. And she still regretted her awful choice.

At that moment, Graham came back down the cellar with a horror movie in his hand. He held it in the air with a face of amazement and shouted "Best. Movie. Ever. I'm sure you'll like it"

And Emma did, in fact. She had always loved horror movies, and this one was particularly scary. The moment where they chased after the head-character, Emma had buried her face in Graham's chest and dared not to look. She then felt Graham's comforting hand holding her close and they continued watching, holding each other.

The movie ended, and the credits rolled. Emma was too scared to look away from the screen, because she felt Graham's look in the side of her eyes. He then took the remote and turned off the television, still looking in Emma's eyes. Then Emma slowly turned her head and looked straight back into Graham's dark-blue eyes. They felt like a void to look in and she swallowed. Graham brought his hand up to Emma's cheekbone and brought his head slowly closer to hers. Then he kissed her softly. The kiss didn't last long as Graham pulled away quickly, seeing if Emma didn't mind his action. But Emma, to Graham's surprise, smiled widely and pulled him in for a far more passionate, and a lot longer, kiss. Graham held Emma's back steady as he slowly bended over her. Emma let her fall backwards and the back of her head touched the soft red cushion. They made out for a long time and didn't notice how outside the darkness was increasing, blackening every inch of the beautiful day outside. As time passed by, Emma seemed to enjoy his kindness more and more, until she heard her phone ring.

As if her ringtone wasn't embarrassing enough, the shouting of David's voice made her go completely red. It was 8 p.m. and they had waited for her at the dining table for over half an hour. And as much as Emma wanted to explain herself, she really couldn't. Graham was just watching her going red from a distance, feeling obviously bad for her as her rubbed her back. When Emma ended the call he held her close again and kissed her on her forehead.

"Seems like they need you back there… Pity you couldn't stay that long…" He breathed.

"Graham, I've been here four hours." She smiled in his void-like eyes.

"Not long enough for me…" And he kissed her shortly. Emma pulled back quickly so they wouldn't end back on the sofa, and put on her red leather jacket. She ran upstairs and shouted "Going to miss you!" when she closed the front door behind her, still not recovered from the fact that he'd kissed her. Suddenly the yelling back home didn't seem to matter and she let it all pass by. She could still go to that party of Tink's, since Emma had passed her test, so she really hadn't had that much to worry about. Expect finals, of course. Because before she knew it, they were only days away.

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><p><em>I'd love it if you would give me a review ^-^ <em>


	7. Chapter 7

She re-read the paper in her hand one last time, pride increasing everytime she did so. She passed everything, except for Mathematics of course. Her explanation would be, like always, that the teacher just really didn't like her and she would convince Ruby to agree and play her role as innocent and honest friend. Also Physics could've gone better, but that had been her last exam where she had been far from concentrated; she had been counting down from the moment she woke up to her first _real _party in college. Her first party that didn't involve babysitting or kissing grandfathers on the cheek. She still felt a little sad when she found out, during her second exam, that Graham couldn't be there. He had a proper excuse though: His grandmother was being buried that evening and Emma had no right whatsoever in accusing him for attending a family-member's funeral.

But that didn't get down her mood, as she happily entered a shopping mall with Belle and Ruby by her side, who were going to share the experience of Tink's party. Emma managed to find something she liked in every store they entered. At first, she was going to wear a dress, as she was planning to look all fancy and hard-to-get. Then she came across a beautiful skirt, decorated with strange figures but Ruby gave her the _I'm-going-to-puke-on-it-if-you-dare-wearing-the-ugly-thing _stare and Emma quietly pushed it to the back of the racks and proceeded her search for the perfect outfit. After entering and exiting thousands of stores and having a healthy sandwich for lunch, Emma finally found what she was looking for: A grey loose top with a pair of ripped black shorts, not too shaggy and certainly not too chique. It wasn't expensive either, so she could take the spare money that her niece ha given to her and spend it on the blue bonnet she had always wanted.

Only hours before the party started, Emma went to Ruby's place and got herself ready.

* * *

><p>"We really have to go now, Nana." Killian sighed at his dog, who was stopping at every single tree they passed, sniffing and holding Killian back from proceeding home. Although Nana wasn't a big dog, she had the power of one at least twice as big. Maybe because he went jogging with her a lot, so he wouldn't have to do it alone. She was being really stubborn again, pulling her leash. Killian kneeled down next to her and rubbed her back, he whispered in her ear "Let's go get…. <strong>A treat<strong>, lass." Nana didn't have to hear more and her ears levitated. She jumped away from the tree with her tongue hanging out of her mouth.

"Works every time." Killian grinned and got soon pulled home by the hungry Nana.

He entered his apartment, which looked extra-ordinarily clean since Liam had visited him a few times and threw Nana some dog biscuits. He opened his closet and picked out some black pants and a black t-shirt. To keep it a little cheerful, he added a silver necklace with a small cross hanging from it's end. When he was picking his shoes, he fist grabbed for his shiny black ones, but made up his mind and chose the oak-brown pair. He took a quick shower and got dressed, not particularly caring about how he was looking, it couldn't be **that **bad. He just drew on some eye-liner, what he thought was still a little woman-ish but Ruby had said that 'guy-liner' would look great on him so he decided to try something new for a change.

Killian was just filling up his pockets with his phone and his wallet when he heard a loud bark coming from the front door. It was Nana, she had picked up her leash and stood crying loudly at the front door, Killian sighed, though still smiling and kissed his dog behind her ear.

"I just took you for a walk…" But Nana didn't redraw her puppy-eyes "Look, I'll be back before you know it, and then I'll take you to the park, all right?" He winked and as if Nana had understood her owner, she let the leash fall from her mouth and jumped up the sofa, placing her head under her paws. Killian took a look at the clock above the kitchen. The party had already started, so he turned off all the lights in his apartment and left it. He started his car, almost shaking out of stress. To relax a bit, he put on his favorite AC/DC-cd; the one Liam gave him on his birthday last year. He really needed to relax for a bit; his veins were straight up swollen from being so nervous. This would be his first _real _party since Smee's accident and he had no idea how he had to act. Should he be all sociable and pretend to be the carefree cool guy? Or sit alone in a corner, staring at everyone having a good time? Although Killian hadn't even arrived yet, he somehow knew he would end up as the last one. He exited the car, glanced one last look at it and entered the noisy, flickering house.

The house was enormous, it had more rooms than Killian found needed. A chamber with a pool-table inside, one with just some play-stations and even an empty one where someone had put up a disco ball. Killian couldn't recognize a single face, but he was far from surprised about that since he'd never been anywhere else than the bar for over a year now. So he took place in one of the most crowded rooms. People's voices could be heard shouting from every direction an not one of them not sounding glad. _So he was going to be the only one who wasn't going to enjoy himself, great. _

A familiar voice resounded in the distance, first very vague and far away but it seemed to be heading towards him. A girl with blonde hair, held up tight in a bun was blushing and approaching him. She looked back awkwardly a few times and stood suddenly giggling in front of him. Now he knew why, because a brown-haired girl's head had popped up from behind the woman's back, still holding both hands onto it. Ruby pushed the girl a little closer to Killian. She shouted over the voiced of the people and slightly into the blonde girl's ear.

"HI KILLIAN, THIS IS TINK!"

Killian scratched the back of his head because he knew what Ruby was trying to do here. She knew all about what happened between him and Milah and was constantly coupling him with girls that, she thought, 'looked his type'. Out of pure awkwardness, Killian winked at the girl and before he knew it, she had seated next to him.

"You didn't miss me, then?" She chuckled, still flashing red now and then. The girl was very pretty, but Killian had no idea what her red lips were babbling about right now… He didn't recognize her at all and bit his lip.

"I'm sorry to ask, love, but have we met before?" And now the pretty girl's face turned red again. But she wasn't blushing, she was furious.

"Wh- But, a few weeks ago, at the bar! YOU DON'T REMEMBER?!" And a burning fist of embarrassment hit Killian right in the face. She wouldn't have been the first bar-wench he had brought home completely drunk, but she was definitely the first who he came across again.

"Sorry, lass, not really…" But he immediately regretted he had said that as a manicured hand slapped his cheek harder than Killian would've thought she could hit. He felt the figure of her hand still burning on his cheek when the girl stood up and left the room, shouting angrily.

Killian turned his seat around and let his hands rest on the counter. Couldn't he just skip this night and return back home, to Nana? Of course that would've been kinda lame and Ruby would be straight up disappointed when she would find out he hadn't even stayed past 1 a.m. And suddenly Killian noticed something; tiny glasses with see-through liquid stood in a proper line in front of him. He licked his dry lips and looked around, to be sure neither Ruby nor Liam was watching him, even if he knew Liam surely wasn't at the party. His mind seemed to perform some kind of a backflip as he forgot all the promises he made to himself.

"Ah fuck it. One can't hurt." He whispered to himself and he tossed down his first glass what was soon followed by a second and a third, as if Killian was rewarding himself for being clean for so long. God how he'd missed this. It quickly got out of hand when he got both his hands on a delicious brand of scotch, although he preferred rum. And a weak smile appeared on his face, at last enjoying himself. Alone he still was and he inspected the room yet again. The booze that filled his stomach made the room look like paradise with loads of happy people. Except for one. He had seen her earlier, talking to Ruby and another girl, but Ruby had already seemed to have left the party. _Bloody hell, how late was it? _ And she was now doing exactly what he had stared apparently a couple of hours ago, probably out of loneliness.

Killian had moved, or more fitting **stumbled **, away from the counter and was now leaning back into a sofa with a half-empty bottle clenched in his fingers. The girl seemed to have noticed Killian looking at her and now staggered towards the sofa. She clearly didn't have as much to drink as Killian, but seemed to have had just enough to almost land on his lap. Killian didn't complain and caught drunkenly her eyesight. Having an extremely hard time trying to focus his view on the girl, he noticed how beautiful she was. Blonde hair was flowing on a grey loose shirt like a waterfall, and although Killian saw the girl's eyes as a blur, he could tell they were pretty.

Without spilling a single word, the girl suddenly attached Killian's lips, pulling him by the collar of his shirt. The sober Killian would've pulled back from the drunk girl but now that three quarters of a whisky-bottle had raised up into his brain, it felt like being kissed by an angel. Killian, the aggressive drunk as he was, lifted the girl up from the couch and smashed her onto the wall, hearing several whistles and loud giggles from behind them; a crowd had formed around them and looked at the two wasted strangers licking eachother off. How long him and the strange girl had stood there, Killian didn't know. But what he did know, was that one moment he was pulling her towards a bedroom but stumbled over a carpet in the kitchen, and the other he was ripping off her clothes on the cold kitchen floor. She was doing the same with him as she stretched his fancy shirt a bit too much to get it over his head. The Martini-taste from the girl's lips tasted bitter and after she had wrapped her legs around Killian's waist, it all went strangely black for him. As if his own brain censored the scenes out of itself.


	8. Chapter 8

Emma's back felt cold and almost harder than what she was laying on. But her front felt warmer, softer and less lonely. As she tried to turn around to her side, she could feel a strong arm wrapped around her stomach. Luckily she had somewhat of a pair of black jeans to place her head on, or her headache could've been worse then it already was. The body lying next to her felt warm and as she snuggled her head close to it, she almost forgot how hard the kitchen floor was. The kitchen was bright this late in the afternoon. Curtains were nicely hung on their hooks and birds outside made it more than clear that it was day, but Emma didn't want it to be day just yet. The room wasn't spinning anymore and all of the guys that she'd been playing drinking-games had vanished too. All she could hear right now were the annoying songs of the pigeons outside and quite the snoring next to her ear. But Emma's eyes didn't open, not until her awkward ringtone went off again, and she could swear she'd heard it in her dream a couple of times.

Her eyes still closed, she reached with her weak and sleepy arm towards the noisy phone, picked it up just when it stopped ringing and looked at the screen.

10 missed calls

She tapped the screen.

2 Ruby  
>8 Home<span>

_Shit._

And at last, she slowly got up and sat down on the ground. The sunlight pricked in her eyes and with her feet she kicked some empty cups on the ground. But it wasn't until she had turned around to see where she was and noticed someone lying on the ground next to her that she jumped to her feet, screaming loudly. It was a man, obviously. A completely nude man, apart from some boxers was lying next to her, sleeping. And it wasn't Graham. He was quite handsome though; he had dark brown –almost black- hair with sideburns and a rough little beard. His hair was messy and he had enormous rings under his eyes, like he hadn't slept in days. Emma sniffed the loose black shirt she was wearing and smelled smoke and booze, but that didn't prove anything after a party like last night's. The man's chest was covered in black chest hair that, Emma thought, was really attracting. And she thought of all of this while loud and shrieking yells escaped her sour mouth. And then the body moved.

"Could you keep it down, love? My head's already pounding, thanks." The man hissed and blinked one eye open. But when he noticed Emma, he sat straight up and rubbed in his eyes. Emma couldn't help but notice a golden ring on his finger. '_He isn't married is he?'_ her heart whispered. Emma could hear some kind of curse words flowing silently out of his mouth as he exhaled. Emma picked her courage back up.

"We haven't… Like… Have we?" Was the last of her courage capable of bringing out. And, out of Emma's surprise, the man smiled a little.

"I'm sorry to say, lass, but I couldn't imagine refusing a face like yours." But then Emma noticed; the accent, the awful smell and the recognizable Irish accent.

"It's you! The guy from the street, the assh-.. Oh my god!" She yelled.

"Killian Jones, pleasure to meet you." The guy groaned and made a weak bow. He got up to his feet, leaning against the kitchen counter. His hangover was obviously far worse than Emma's, as he could barely stand nor open his eyes. Killian straightened his back with a roar of pure pain and rested with both his elbows on the counter.

"…Jones?"

"Aye?"

"As in Liam Jones?" His eyes widened at his name.

"How do you know my brother?" And Emma didn't answer for a minute; just staring at the person she had slept with. Liam -her best friend- his brother. _What the hell._

"Er, w-we have some classes together. Just never thought his brother was… so.. old?"

"Trying to take this as a compliment, lass." Sudden silence. "Wait, my brother mentioned me?"

"Once or twice, when he was about to meet you. Last time was with Gr- Oh my god."

"Like I said, lass, Killian's fine." The guy grinned at his bad pun.

"Graham. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend! And I slept with you!"

"Bloody hell, could you stop yelling, love? I would appreciate that." Killian whispered. But Emma was pacing around the room with tears of anger in her eyes. _How could she have done this to Graham ? When she finally found someone so loyal to her. _And she let herself fall backwards into a kitchen chair, her hands covering her wet eyes. She sobbed there for a minute, thinking about how awful she was and how in hell she would explain this at home. And suddenly, a comforting arm wrapped itself around her shoulder. The arm held her forehead and her hands separated and wiped off Emma's tears.

"It'll be fine, lass. Now, let's get you fixed up a little." He said gently while he walked over to the coffee machine. He placed two empty cups under the machine and started searching for something in the liquor cabinet. Emma looked up, completely confused, wondering where he was going to take his action. And his bearded face popped up again, with a small bottle of alcohol clenched in his fist.

"What. Are. You. Doing?" Emma couldn't believe her eyes; after what she'd just told him, he was still trying to get both of them drunk again?

"Don't worry, love. I'm not using it for that." He winked.

"Are you still drunk or something? How are you going to use **that **for something else?"

"Good hangover remedy, take it from a professional." But this time his wink didn't seem so charming at all. More like he felt bad for himself. But Emma decided to ignore it and accepted the spiced cup of coffee Killian gave to her.

They just sat there for a while, warming their cold hands on the steaming cup. Emma sometimes noticed Killian watching her but whenever he saw her noticing, he quickly focused back on the cup. Minutes passed and Emma started to feel a little better and at least a little more relaxed. It had all been a stupid mistake, something she hadn't planned and never expected to happen. Graham would understand, **right**?

The guy's phone rang. Without looking at the screen he just put the phone to his ear and whispered "Aye?" Killian's hangover was obviously far from over as he squinted his eyes because of the voice yelling trough the phone.

"Look, Liam, I'm-"

"Yeah, I didn't intend to. Don't tell me what to d-" And then Killian went silent for a couple of seconds. Just listening to Liam's voice yelling through the phone. His mouth fell open and while voices were still sounding from the mobile, he held it away from his ear.

Emma comfort started dripping away when Killian got up from his chair and paced around the room. All of the sudden, Killian threw his mobile to the wall, screaming loudly. His hands went for the chair he sat on and flipped it over. He yelled words little kids would have to stick their fingers in their ears for. Killian's screams scared the hell out of Emma and she got up from her chair and stepped backwards, until her back reached a wall. She heard a fist smash into a wall and it all went silent. Her hands reached for her coffee mug, so she could warm her hands on it but she realized she had dropped it. She walked alongside the wall and looked over to the kitchen. Killian was sitting on the counter, murmuring some words she couldn't understand.

"Killian... Are you all right? What happened?" Emma swallowed.

"Bloody hell, lass, not now." But Killian seemed to not have meant that as he just continued his sentence. "I'm fired, okay? I had to take the morning shift and here I am." His hand smashed on the counter.

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault, love. Nothing you could've done, all my bloody mistake."

"I cheated on my boyfriend if that makes you feel any better." And Killian grinned. The silence took over their conversation for a while as Killian was jut sitting on the counter, trying to realize what had just happened.

"How's Liam doing, like in class…?" Killian suddenly asked.

"Er, well.. good? I guess? He's not in all my classes, he's a little older…"

"How old are you, then?"

"And why would I tell you, again?" _Don't play hard to get now, Emma. You have a boyfriend, remember? _The little voice in her head screamed again.

"Because we spend a night together, love. I'm allowed to know that little." He grimaced.

"Liam's two years older than me, I met him when I was in my first year. Little did he know I-" And her mouth shut close, like she had said something unforgivable.

"Know what?"

"Nothing, forget about it, all right?" The words sounded a little rude, but it made him at least shut up, Emma was in no mood talking about that.

"Well, that makes us the same age then." The smile on his face brightened. Emma let him take the pleasure, as she saw he wasn't trembling and shaking out of anger anymore. Her hangover had almost passed completely and Killian didn't seem to have a hard time anymore too. She jumped off the kitchen table.

"Just who are you, lass?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." She grimaced and her phone beeped. She was going to miss class if she didn't go now.

"It's been nice meeting you, Killian. But I have to run… Good luck with work and stuff, see ya." Emma grabbed her coat and ran towards the door.

"Same for you, love." He almost sounded sad she had to leave. Emma exited the door with a quick run. But suddenly decided to walk back a couple of meters and stuck her head through the door opening.

"Swan. Emma Swan."

"Goodbye, Swan." And she took off, not noticing she had left her beeping phone on the kitchen table.

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><p><em>Sorry for the delay, had a busy week ^-^ Review?<em>


	9. Chapter 9

Her smile made his jaw drop again. Such beauty and still so modest, nothing like he'd seen before. The name still echoed in his skull. _Emma Swan. _Out of all girls he could have chosen from, he had to choose the friend of his brother, who, of course, had a boyfriend. He had not only disappointed his brother, but probably ended a relationship too. Brilliant. But she didn't seem to make a fuss. No, on the contrary; She was almost less stressed about it than he was. But then again, she hadn't had Liam. He really needed to stop involving Ruby, Liam's personal newscaster about Killian's life. But he couldn't blame her, she was right after all.

Because he had done it again. And just when it all started to build back up, he had to get it down again. It had lasted for a week, which was, in Killian's opinion, quite long. Not long enough of course. Because at the very moment, he could feel his hands trembling again. Sometimes when that happened, it was because of pure anger or just a need to punch something. Killian was the aggressive type after all. But this time it wasn't a need to hit anything, more like a need to **drink **anything. The feeling was weird, inexplicable to people whom had never felt it, but horrifying. It almost felt hypnotizing, as if someone was spamming your brain with the same message over and over again. _More. More. _He had talked about it once, but only to someone whom he really trusted, and who would maybe understand him; Smee. It was back in the days, just when they had woken up from an 'epic' night. Smee had said he knew what Killian meant. The yearning need. Not being able to shut your brain up. But the difference between them both was, that Killian tried to ignore it. While Smee had accepted it as his lifestyle.

His eyes fell down to a half empty bottle of a fine brand of rum, standing on the counter. _Bloody hell, it almost seems like someone __**wants **__me to. _He couldn't go back to morning-drinking, because those were the worst. You had a hangover right before bed and than you really needed to get more just to get some sleep. But his hands thought different, as they were already opening the bottle, shaking with need. _No, no, no, stop. Please. Now. _

And then, at that very moment, something distracted him. That didn't happen very often, but he was happy it did now. On the other side of the room, on the kitchen table, he could see a small object. At first seeming not really that important, but when it started ringing, he recognized it. Right before _Swan _woke him up, he had heard it ringing and her sighing. She had left her phone by accident. Or had she? Was it all intended to, so he could arrange something with her? No, that couldn't be. She had a boyfriend for heaven's sake, get it right Killian, you have no chance **whatsoever **with her. Who would want a jobless alcoholic after all?

But it made him drop the bottle and move over to the table. The phone, still ringing –with an awful ringtone- had a picture of some ladies as a background. It was taken at some kind of vacation, as all the ladies were dragging trollies. On the far left, he could see a sweet girl. Brown hair, a white blouse and her hair nicely done. Next to her there was a dark-skinned woman with pitch-black hair, whom seemed extremely enthusiast about their trip. She had thrown her arm around a ginger girl with rose lips, a beauty really. But Killian had more of an eye for the girl on the far right. This one was wearing a red leather jacked with some tight black jeans. Blonde hair and a smile that stunned him for a minute longer. _Emma Swan_. She was smiling widely to whoever was taking the picture. She had such a beautiful smile. Once the name 'David' had finally disappeared from the screen, Killian shoved it inside his pocket and looked around the room.

"Must've been one hell of a party…" He whispered to himself.

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><p>The park was beautiful in this time of the year. People just came out much more. They took their kids to the playground, or went picnicking in the fields. Some, including Killian, also saw it as an opportunity to take a long, nice run through the forest. But right now, he wasn't really feeling up to that, with his head still pounding. He enjoyed the people more though. They all seemed so happy, so careless. Killian wondered if he ever looked like that. Nana had found herself a friend to play with on the field. A Dalmatian with a bright red collar was chasing her happily through the grass. His owner stood right next to Killian, his eyes fixated on the running dogs. Right before he had taken Nana out, Killian had bought some cigarettes to cool himself down a bit, and right now he was already at his second smoke. But it didn't matter, at least he had a chance to enjoy his day a bit. Nana and the Dalmatian were pulling on a long stick, both on opposite ends, Nana rolled over to her back and stared upside down to the other dog. Killian heard the man next to him snicker.<p>

"She's cute, your dog." He smiled. The man had small ginger curls and was wearing a long trench coat, but he seemed to have a strange kind of friendly sphere hanging around him.

"Aye, she is." Killian smiled back.

"Archie Hopper." The man took one of his hands out of his pockets and held it out to Killian. Killian's right hand handed his cigarette to the other and shook it fiercely.

"Killian Jones."

"You must be joking, I can't believe it. Well, we finally meet at last." The man's smile widened and he looked at Killian from head to toe, as if he was some kind of statue in a museum. But his eyes showed some kind of confusion, as if he had been expecting something or someone else.

"No point in asking where you know me from, as it always seems to have something to do with my brother?" Killian didn't really need an answer on that, as he practically whispered it. But the man just let out a relieved sigh and focused back on Nana, who was now getting completely covered with mud.

People were passing by him, laughing and chatting. A couple in the distance even seemed to share a cake together and staring romantically in each others eyes. Almost a little disgusting, and he was not saying that out of jealousy. Archie had called his dog and was now playing fetch with him, which reminded Killian he had to learn Nana that one day. The dog's name was Pongo, and Nana seemed quite fond of him. Killian was proud he took her on the long-promised trip to the park and Nana seemed to have no offence either.

The couple on the brick-road was now laughing about what appeared to be an extremely funny joke. The woman was wearing a black blouse where her blonde hair was flowing over. The hair was not as blonde as Emma's had been, Killian soon noticed. A brown-haired man with a rough beard held her close. He almost looked like... Like… _Oh for god's sake, are you serious? _As long as he didn't make eye-contact it would all be good. As long as nothing lured him towards Killian, he could just go home. Killian sucked the end of his cigarette hardly and closed his eyes in front of him, like a child would. Now just hope. The footsteps behind him almost passed when suddenly, they stopped. He heard them turn around and the man started talking.

"Doctor Hopper!" He heard him laugh. "Doctor Hopper, nice to see you!"

"As for you Liam! This must be Kathryn then."

"Indeed." Killian heard a woman's voice say.

"How are you doing?"

"I'm excellent, Archie. How about you?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine. I actually met him, you know. Where is he?" Killian could see the man turning around and smiling towards Killian as he held out an arm. "He came here with his dog too."

Killian gave up his attempts on ignoring Liam as much as he could and looked to his side. His hands dropped the cigarette and his foot made an end to its fire. Now there just was an awkward silence and a burning stare, which he could not put out with his foot. _Although he sometimes wanted to._

"Hello Liam, nice weather, ain't it?" It was meant more sarcastic than kind but he preferred this rather than an endless silence.

"Killian." Liam's eyes narrowed and, like Archie had done, he inspected Killian from his hair to the tip of his feet. "Could we talk somewhere.. More private?" Liam nodded to Archie and kissed the girl on the cheek, on which Killian cocked an eyebrow. Liam pulled his arm and took him behind a tree.

"What do you think you're doing, for fuck's sake?" Liam sputtered out once they had disappeared behind it.

"Walking Nana and talking to an odd man, what does it look like, mate?"

"You're not going out again, are you? Please tell me you're not, Killian."

"Wh- No, of course I'm not! Yesterday just happened, let's forget about it, okay?"

"No, no, no. You're facing this, right here, right now. You went too far again, and you know it."

"You're being dramatic, I didn't go '_too far_'." Killian lied.

"Oh no? Then tell me, brother of mine, what do you remember?"

"Well… err… I arrived, that's for sure. Touched nothing, sat around for a bit. Extremely boring, if I may say. Some lass came up to me … Er… Hit me? Aye, don't ask. Sat around a bit more and… Er…" Killian pressed his eyelids together, trying to squeeze something, **anything** out, but to no avail.

"And?"

"Woke up on the kitchen floor?" That answer even sounded worse when he said it out loud.

"This is really getting out of hand, Killian. Bloody hell. And please tell me you weren't accompanied by someone?" But he was far from ready to tell his brother he had slept with his best friend. So he lied.

"Aye, completely alone." Liam replied with a seep sigh, a little like the one he had given Killian when he woke up in the hospital. Miserable and hopeless.

"I'm sorry, I really am." Killian swallowed. "But I have some question's too. First of all, where do you know the man from?" Liam seemed to have gotten the hint and left the subject. He looked over to Archie, who was now talking to the woman.

"Don't you remember Doctor Hopper?"

"No, mate, apologize."

"My psychiatrist. Good man, he is."

"Oh… Right. You.. You're still seeing him?" Killian was a little afraid to ask, and he saw Liam was also a little shaky on the subject. They hadn't talked about that in years.

"Now and then, aye. When I feel like it, I suppose." But Killian thought this conversation was being far too quiet, so he quickly asked his next question.

"And who's the lass, hmm? Didn't know you had a lover."

"Her name's Kathryn. I met her just a week ago, she's really nice."

"She seems like it, mate. I'm glad for you." And this really wasn't a lie.

"Bloody hell, we have to catch the train…" Liam was looking at his phone and waved at Kathryn. She waved back and stuck her thumb up to Liam. "See you later, brother." Liam said and ran off. Kathryn waved at Killian, who awkwardly waved back and turned around. But Liam stepped back a few steps and looked at Killian. "And one more thing, lay down the cigarettes. They kill, y'know?" And Killian smiled back, as if he didn't know about what he had just told him. But he knew very well. It was even part of the reason he still did it.

Then, he felt something shake in his pocket. Emma's phone. He had completely forgotten about it and now it was displaying tons of different messages of the same contact. Ruby.

_Emma, I need you._

_Are you there yet? I'm coming but this traffic won't budge…_

_Why aren't you answering? _

_Are you mad at me or something?_

_Omg ems Whale just asked me out eeeeeeekkk_

_Wait is that even legal?_

_Emma?_

Yeah, he should probably get it back to its owner.

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><p><em>Hellow readers :) If you've come this far, I'm sooooo grateful ! I've been getting a lot of marks on my English from you guys, and I really love you guys for doing that ^-^ Just remember, English isn't my first language and I still have a lot to learn. Review?<em>


	10. Chapter 10

"Oh but I really have to go now, Emma. I've still got something to pick up! See you around six?" Graham grabbed Emma's head and pulled it towards him. He kissed her just a bit too long so Ruby started sighing and then released Emma.

"I'll be there." Emma smiled. Graham turned his back to Emma and ran off, obviously hurrying for something. He ran out of the door and across the street, towards the campus.

Emma took her eyes off him and turned to Ruby, eyes still dreamy of their kiss. But Ruby was shaking her head and smiling.

"What?" Emma asked.

"I still can't believe it..." Ruby was still slightly smiling.

"Believe what?"

"That you hooked up with Killian, Emma!" She practically shouted that and now some confused eyes glanced a look at them.

"Could you shut up, please?" Emma looked around to confirm nobody knew what they were talking about."Look, I don't even remember what happened. He just said he **knew **that we...?" She rethought her answer. It really sounded ridiculous but actually, thinking that she wouldn't have slept with the good-looking drunk guy would be even more absurd.

"Hey, I'm not blaming you. Just watch out, okay?" Ruby sipped from her coffee and scrolled further down on her phone.

"Watch out for who?"

"For him, for his sake. He's a little.. unstable. He's still a great guy and all, just a little scarred from his past." Ruby said that like the had a million flashbacks at once, and they didn't sound like happy ones.

"And how do you know him that good? Haven't heard you talking about him before..."

"Let's just say I'm popular like that." Ruby winked and put her phone back in her pocket. She finished her cup of coffee and wiped her mouth clean."Have you told Graham?"

Emma fell silent. It had been three days since what happened and she hadn't slept. It wasn't that big of a deal for her, since she didn't remember half of it and had been completely wasted for the other half. But she didn't know how Graham would react. She had dated him for only a month or so and that was not long enough to know how he would react in these situations. It could go two ways really: he either understood and left it behind... or he would freak out and perhaps break up. _Oh, she was so not ready for this_. "Is it bad if I just.. I don't know.. Don't tell him?"

"EMMA!"

"Yeah okay.. Alright, I'll go explain it. It can't be that bad, right?" Ruby replied with a silent clap and smiled at Emma as she got up from the table. Emma took her jacket and her purse and left her friend. But Ruby held her by her arm.

"Hey, Ems, just one more thing."

"Yeah?"

"On Tink's **kitchen floor**? Really?" Ruby's eyes shone like actual rubies and she chuckled loudly.

"Oh shut your mouth." Emma sighed and rolled her eyes, exiting the bar. The weather was getting warmer and surprisingly nice. There weren't so many people around the campus, Emma thought most of them had probably already finished class or went to a restaurant to have lunch. She saw Tamara hurrying inside the building but didn't get enough time to wave at her, so she continued her walk. Graham was probably somewhere around the library, as he spend a lot of time there. Plus most of the other rooms were locked by now. She made a left between two buildings and followed the alley.

She could see a lot of unknown people here. Some people who were obviously dealing something and a couple with painted hair, spraying the building with art. Emma stood there for a minute, admiring the drawings they made. She had always admired street-art, as long as they weren't stupid tags or names. But if they were faces, landscapes or anything else someone put a meaning into, it lured her attention. The boy was a little more talented than the girl and he had just finished two figures. The girl drew guns, enormous pistols, in their hands, as if they were small children holding gigantic dangerous weapons. But as soon as one of them started to repeatingly look behind them, she left the pair. Emma was still walking alongside the painted wall as she saw some smoke coming from the alley ahead. "_Just some more smokers probably.."_ Emma thought.  
>Emma past the alley, just to see the face she wouldn't dare to see again appear.<p>

Killian.

He was leaning against the concrete wall with his eyes closed. His hands were holding a cigarette which he brought to his mouth now and then. His clothing was pretty black, Emma thought he just liked to wear the color, not really thinking it had a meaning. As soon as Emma approached, he opened one eye.

"Killian? What are you doing here?" Killian grinned.

"Swan." His hands lowered together with the cigarette and he got his back off the wall.

"**What **are you doing here?" She repeated.

"Now, don't get mad, love. How are you doing?" Emma stood there, staring at him, wondering why he was asking this pointless, unnecessary question.

"Look, Killian, about the other night. Nothing happened, alright?"

"Oh, and how are you so sure now, lass? Just answer the question, hm?" He took another puff and nodded at Emma.

"Er.. I'm fine, Killian."

"Glad to hear that. Didn't know you liked these alleys."

"Just taking a shortcut. Didn't know you smoked." She now leaned against the wall opposite of him, her arms crossed.

"Guess we still have a lot to learn from each other then, love?" But Emma was sick of waiting for the truth and playing his games.

"Why are you here, Killian?"

"You forgot your phone, though I'd return it." He searched in his pocket and held out Emma's phone, no scratches to be seen. She took the phone out of his hand and slipped it into her purse.

"How did you become a gentleman all of the sudden?"

"I've always been a gentleman, Swan." He winked and brought the cigarette to his mouth again. "Well, I delivered what I had to... I'll be going now, unless you..." He smirked a pervy smile and Emma rolled her eyes again.

"Goodbye Killian." She smiled and threw her purse back over her shoulder. She took out her found phone and searched through the contacts. She couldn't find his name at the letter K, so she kept searching. She didn't exactly know why, but she would be surprised if he hadn't put it in. She returned back to the top and stopped at the letter C. _Captain Killian. _Of course he had given himself a nickname, why wouldn't he? But she thought of the smile he had given her. So pervy but still... fake, broken. And somehow, like he had somehow meant his sexual comment. But of course he couldn't have. Or could he?

And before she knew it, she had walked to the other side of the campus, behind the fountain. She entered the library and looked at the counter. There was noone there, good, now she could at least yell.

"Graham?" No answer. "Graham!" Maybe he had already left? Or maybe he was at the internet-class just around the corner. Emma figured it would make sense and left the library. She walked around the corner, in yet another dark alley. She kept walking until she saw someone leaning against the wall. It was Graham.

But it wasn't just Graham though. His hands were pressed onto the wall behind him where the other someone was pressing him onto. It was a girl, a pretty girl with black hair. She was actually a pretty good friend of Emma's. Graham's lips and the girl's were tightly pressed against eachother and at the same time they were making loud kissing noises. Like she and Graham used to make. She felt her heart crumble, like a dried leaf. Tears pricked in her watery eyes and when she tried to speak she stuttered.

"G-Graham? Wh-" Her lips trembled. Graham pulled away from the girl at that, who was still sucking his neck. But when he spotted Emma he pushed the girl off him.

"Emma! What are you doing here?" He yelled.

"I-I just came to... To tell you that- At the party I- But you weren't at- at the library so I figured-." Emma had no clue why she was explaining herself to him while he was the one who should be. But it was either that or start screaming, which she really wanted to do. But then the girl looked inside Emma's eyes, and she remembered her name.

"Regina?" But Regina looked away from Emma and walked away. "Why, Graham?"

"I'm sorry, babe, I'm-"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Emma screamed, her eyes still watering.

"I'll make it up to you, Emma. I promise."

"You shut up, you **asshole**! Don't make any more promises to me, I hate you!"

"Emma-" Graham sounded sorry, but Emma knew he wasn't.

"How long? How long have you been seeing her?"

"Please, don't make this any worse, -"

"How long, Graham? TELL ME!"**  
><strong>

"Three weeks..." He admitted and he approached Emma. "But we can start over! I can leave her, Emma." But that wasn't what Emma wanted at all. Regina seemed to already love Graham, and if she said yes to his offer, two hearts would be broken by only one asshole. Oh no, this was not happening. Instead, she slapped his cheek, hard and furious. It was a little wet from wiping away her tears but it felt so damn good.

"Don't. Stay with her, you're single now. We're over, you can now screw as many girls as you can. Congratulations, asshole." Her heart was pounding fast as she turned her back to his burning cheek. She didn't mind the cheating that much, just the fact that she had to bust them on it to discover it. She was going to admit and apologize, while he just kept it going. And she had loved him with all her heart, and somehow she still did.

On her way home, all she did was cry. She drowned in her wet palms until she got to Ruby's and ringed the doorbell a thousand times. Ruby opened the door and Emma rushed to the couch, screaming inside a cushion. "It's- He- With Regina! He just-" The rest was hidden behind Emma's sobs. And Ruby, a good friend as she was, immediately put on 'Grease' and took out two bottles of wine and some chocolate ice-cream. All she wanted now was to forget.

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><p><em>Review, love?<em>


	11. Chapter 11

It hadn't been going well for Killian. It seemed like he had run out of his bottle of luck that he suddenly seemed to have had a month ago. He hadn't given up, at least not in the beginning. It started off pretty dark, when he came home hung-over and jobless. But one way or another, he had this kind of light in the darkness; some sort of hope. And he took it with both hands. Without any result. He learned, out of experience, that having a job helped. It kept him busy, working. Even if it was an awful one. But times were hard, and pretty evil. People could somehow see how Killian wasn't in a great condition, and who in hell would choose him above a perfectly proper employee? But don't get me wrong here, he tried. Oh Killian tried as hard as he possibly could. He tried a cashier, an illustrator, a dentist assistant and even a janitor but there were either no places left, or Killian just wasn't good enough. And that didn't really make him feel stronger, the opposite really. So his heart hung onto the only thing he could rely on. And his brain just longed for a break from reality, which was now one black hole in the ground, sucking Killian in deeper. But now, after 4 weeks of trying and believing, he just kind of gave up. He let it all slip through his fingers as if hope was made of water. And he didn't care how drunk he had been the night before, or that he didn't close an eye at night. He made sure no one could notice though; he now went to the bar when Ruby wasn't taking the night shift or he just bought some and drank it home. Killian realized it was a problem, of course, but right now it was just one of many. He had nearly enough to pay the rent for his apartment but didn't dare ask Ruby to lend some. Because she would start asking questions. Why he had waited so long. On what he'd spend his money.

Killian was changing channels quicker than his shadow, without even noticing any of the fine programs he skipped. His attention was focused on the liquor cabinet that he had filled up again this week. The aspirins just didn't conquer the pain in his head. It had been pounding from the moment he woke up and it hurt like hell. It wasn't just the pain that hurt him, but also the fact that he wasn't supposed to have it. He didn't have it under control anymore. And as much as he 'didn't care' , he didn't **want **this. It was a sign of weakness. And weakness was the origin of his problem, in fact. After Milah died he just… lost it. And his father hadn't been there, of course. Liam couldn't be there, since he had been in therapy and Ruby just wouldn't understand. And in times like this, far darker thoughts reached his skull. And they were screaming.

_It would've been far easier if you'd killed yourself that night. Why didn't you just end it in the car crash with Smee? You know, people drink themselves to death too._

But Killian wasn't deep enough just yet to do what his thoughts told him to. He clenched his fists around the glass with an effervescent aspirin in it. His head was filled with dark voices, throwing more darkness at him. His fist clenched tighter. He wanted to scream them out of his head. The voices were so angry that he pressed his eyelids together, and saw his past. But only the dark parts. It all started with high-school when his mother wasn't doing well. And dad didn't took it all that well. But when his memory skipped over to Milah's parting, it became too much. His fists clenched too hard and the glass broke into his angry fist, now bleeding all over his bed-sheets.

"Bloody hell…" he whispered to himself. He did that more often now. Either that or to Nana, which was practically the same. It just gets lonely, seeing no one for a whole month. It would almost drive a man insane.

Killian climbed out of bed and passed Nana, who cried quietly at the sight of his bleeding palm.

"It's just a scratch, lass. Don't worry." Killian smiled. But it wasn't his hand that was hurting the most.

He washed all of the glass out of his skin and cleaned up all the blood and water spilled on the bed. But his hands stopped as soon as he heard a familiar sound from behind him. He installed it so that whenever that happened, he'd immediately know what it was. But it couldn't be. Not after one whole month. Who did that? Wait a whole month? Maybe it had been a mistake, or worse, a complain. Had he met her in the bar when he had been drunk and harassed her? No, he would've remembered for sure. He dropped the cloth he had been cleaning up with and stepped towards the counter. The light of his phone was still lit up and his headache sunk to the back of his head. Could it be?

* * *

><p>Emma was sitting in the corner of the bus, listening to her Ipod. Alone. Again. It needed some getting-used-to, not wanting to meet anyone. Emma skipped all of the love songs, knowing she would have to skip a long time before she found something that wasn't about love. Why did people only write about love? There are so many words to be spoken and the only ones they come up with are 'I love you' or 'Stay with me'? Pathetic. She had loved them a month ago, though. Because then they didn't make her cry. Now they just transfigured into a waterfall of tears. She looked outside the window. The sun was high up in the sky and happy people were gladly walking under her. She felt bad, wanting it to rain. It's a weird feeling when you just don't want other people to feel happy. She rather didn't see it and lock herself up in her room. Which was exactly what she was going to do the minute she got home. She pressed the button and made the bus stop. She got out and walked home. Graham and Regina were now going out. She hadn't talked to both of them since what happened. And she wasn't planning to either. She hated that he cheated on her. But what she hated the most, is that he actually seemed happy and in love with Regina. They did everything together and every human being could clearly see they were made for eachother. Emma thought back to the first time she had felt that way. It was back in high school. With a boy from a totally different neighborhood. But he was so dangerous and inconsequential. Every girl dreamed of him, but they were also terrified beyond belief. And when he asked Emma out, she had to take the chance. Mary-Margaret and David knew she had a boyfriend, but luckily they didn't know it was <strong>the <strong>Neall Cassidy. When Emma said she'd spend the weekend at Ruby's or Belle's, it had been all a lie of course. Neall taught Emma how to rob, steal, betray, lie and all the things that were strictly forbidden inside the Nolan house. And she felt so free, so independent. A little too independent. When Neall heard what had happened, he just took a run for it. He just hadn't loved her just enough to stay.

Emma got home, dropped her bag on the bed and went downstairs again.

"Hey Emma, how was today?" David asked between his coffee.

"Alright. What's for dinner?" Emma took a cookie out of a jar and walked towards the kitchen, where her cousin was preparing something that smelled delicious.

"Spaghetti Bolognaise!" Mary-Margaret yelled in her most Italian accent. She threw some pepper and salt into a pot and stirred.

"Mmm, looking forward to that. I'll be down in twenty minutes!" She yelled when she ran back upstairs. Luckily they didn't notice something had been wrong with Emma. Explaining she had had a boyfriend but he cheated on her and now she got drunk at Ruby's place wasn't exactly easy.

Emma closed her curtains and turned the lights on. She grabbed one of her learning-books and opened it on her lap. It was Mathematics, her least favorite subject. But it needed some studying, the most out of all. While she was reading the first lines, she turned on her cellphone. And the moment the screen lit up, her phone made a thousand of beeps at the same time. It almost seemed like it was going to explode. But Emma got used to it. It was Ruby every time. Spamming her questions if she was okay or if she wanted to come over. She would call her in the evening. She put her headphones back on and now listened to her phone, which hopefully contained less cheesy love-songs. The first couple of songs kept her eyes on the paper. But after the forth song ended and continued to the fifth she lifted her phone. It was form Arctic Monkeys, one of her favorite bands. But she didn't remember putting 'A Certain Romance' on it. And she knew what songs she put on her phone and what songs she didn't. Although she knew the title of the song, it wasn't named like it. Someone had changed it.

_Swan_

And there was only one man that had called her that. A weird nickname of course. Emma **had **thought about him in the past month. And now she didn't really find a proper excuse for not texting nor calling him. She had been so lonely and longing for some attention while someone who she actually liked had offered that. While she listened to the only love song she could stand, she closed her eyes.

"_Why not? Emma, get over yourself. And an extra: he has a good taste in music…" _ Her brain whispered.

And then Emma just hit free-fall. She clicked on Killian's name and wrote a text.

_Sunday, pick me up at 8 and we'll go to Narta. Are you in? _

And to her surprise, she didn't hover above the send button for some minutes. She just hid send and threw her Mathematics off her lap. Her phone now clenched in both hands, she was looking at the tiny screen.

_"What if he forgot about me? Or he already has someone else? Maybe he just doesn't even like me." _ Oh god, she felt like she was 10 again, waiting for a boy's text. It was better then learning Math though. But after five minutes Mary-Margaret yelled from downstairs that dinner was ready. The descended and enjoyed the meal with the company of her cousin and David. Killian wasn't going to reply. It had been a dumb idea in the first place.

The spaghetti had been delicious. She had asked 3 times for a re-fill and when she was finished, she felt the need to call Ruby. To tell her about everything. Just like she had done every evening. But when she grabbed her phone from the bed, she realized she had to have more hope. The screen was filled up by just one sentence.

_That's a date._

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><p><em>Sorry for the delay, some... things got in the way. Thanks for leaving a review, makes me happy :)<em>


	12. Chapter 12

His heart was racing. His mind was a total mess. His hands were trembling. But in a good way. In a way it hadn't been in ages. Not because of the alcohol, or his past, but because of a girl. No, a woman.

When he got the message two days ago, his world turned upside down. He couldn't even remember being asked out on a date, although he knew it had happened. It was just so long ago. He had been more stable. He had been another Killian back then. And knowing that even now, when he was in the darkest of times, a woman showed interest in him felt like a spark lighting up in the middle of a dark cave. He hadn't slept though. He was constantly stressing about what he'd say to her. Or thinking of answers he could answer her when she asked her questions. What if she asked what his job was? But the hardest thing would be: he had to seem completely stable, sane and relaxed. This was going to be a hard one.  
>It still felt weird when he thought about it. He only knew her name. Emma Swan. A pretty name, yes, but isn't that a little too less? Maybe it's just enough. Maybe that's just the point: knowing almost nothing so you can get to know each other. But then there's the risk she expected a total different person than you actually are. What if she hates dogs? Or what if she thinks I'm as smart and intellectual as Liam? What if my drinking problem becomes too much for her?<p>

But on the other side, a friend would be an improvement. Someone whom he could start from the beginning with. Someone who he hadn't disappoint yet. A person that hadn't seen him screw everything up yet. Emma Swan, the girl with the fresh start. It felt like a hand reaching down to him, pulling him up aboard. This could be his first and last chance to fix this all. Please don't screw this up.

Although shopping wasn't completely Killian's thing, it had happened this week. He had opened his closet and stared at his only 3 shirts he owned, and Emma had already seen him in one of them. He used to have four, but forgot where he had put the fourth. So he went to a second-hand shop, and bought a grey t-shirt. Killian had never before stared so long in a mirror before going out. He practiced some greetings and made sure Emma couldn't notice the enormous rings under his eyes which identified he still hadn't slept in days. And with an enormous lack of confidence, he left the house.

You know when something important or stressful is about to happen, you start imagining how it's going to go? Well, Killian did the same but to prevent him from expecting too much, he always pictured the worst things that could happen. It was something he did from his childhood. Just, now, he hoped it wouldn't actually happen like it had always done. She could throw champagne in his face. She could exit the restaurant because he bored her. Or, of course, Killian could get his hands on a bottle of whatever, ruining everything.

Here he was. In the middle of a retro restaurant, half an hour too early, waiting for his date. He yearned for a smoke. But he couldn't now. Maybe after Emma had left.  
>20 minutes later. Emma still hadn't shown up. Killian had ordered a glass of soda water but hadn't even sipped it yet. Somehow it remembered him too much of drinking other things. So he just twisted his fingers around each other. The restaurant, being almost a café, was splendid. He had hoped and prayed to God that she wouldn't take him to some fancy place. Have you ever tried being relaxed and cool in a place where everything is perfect and chique? Don't.<p>

5 minutes after 8. Although Killian had insisted on picking her up, Emma had told him to cancel that. Something about her not wanting her parents to know. Were it her parents? Now he secretly hoped he had picked her up either way, so he didn't have to sit here, looking like a fool.

But suddenly Killian saw a figure appearing in the doorway. A petite girl, gold hair and a cute white dress. She took off her coat and handed it to the man in the doorway. Then she proceeded. She neared Killian. Look cool, look cool. Killian smiled the stress away and waved at the beauty. Emma looked beautiful. He almost regretted meeting her in the way they had. She deserved more than that. Much more.

"Hi…" Emma smiled and kissed Killian on the cheek.

"Hello, Swan. You look gorgeous, sit down." Killian made a hand-gesture to the chair in front of him and Emma sat down.

"Quite the place you've chosen, lass." Killian remarked.

"Yeah, I used to come here a lot with my friends."

"Used to?"

"We now go somewhere else, a restaurant that had recently opened. Didn't want to take you there though, because I took… Whatever, forget it." Damnit Killian, you insulted her. Change. The. Subject.

"Ah yes… Uh…" Killian raised an eyebrow. All the conversations that he had saved inside his brain had deleted themselves all at once. His brain blocked and some tumbleweeds were rolling around inside them.

"We should probably choose our meal." Emma saved the conversation.

"Aye." Killian opened the menu. He couldn't choose anything too expensive, because he simply didn't have the money. He also couldn't choose anything too delicious; he didn't want to appear to her as a lion attacking his pray, because he was hungry as hell. So he chose the steak. Not too expensive and totally not his favorite meal.

"I'm taking the steak, Swan. You?"

"The salmon, I think."

"Perfect." And out of nowhere a waitress showed up next to their table and wrote down whatever Emma was telling her. Killian got lost between her words for a second. She almost sung them. Or her voice was just so harmonic.

"- and we'll take the cava too." She winked at Killian and the waitress left. Oh no.

"W- What?" Killian swallowed.

"Hm?" Emma closed her menu and shoved it to the side. "What's wrong?"

"Uh… Nothing, love, I'll be right back." Killian got from his chair and entered the men's room. He needed that smoke now, or he would freak out. Luckily there was a backdoor in the restroom where he could escape. He lighted his cigarette outside and blew some clouds of relaxation into the sky. This was it; he had to tell her now. He couldn't just drink it, that's for sure. Killian massaged his forehead and inhaled an extra-large portion of smoke and threw his cigarette to the ground.

"Everything alright?" Emma looked at Killian, slightly tilting her head. She looked worried. She shouldn't, he should.

"Aye, it's just… How do I put this…" Killian scratched behind his ears. "I can't drink the… I shouldn't, well, because I have… Um.. Not that I don't fancy it, it's just… I wouldn't want you to…"

But Emma already seemed to know what he meant.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. You should've told me! I'll cancel it."

"No, Swan, you can go ahead. As long as I don't-"

"Shut your mouth, I'm cancelling it." She smiled and swiped with her finger over her neck to the waitress and she replied with a friendly nod. After two minutes of silence the waitress arrived with a bottle of water and poured that into their glasses.

"So…" Emma sighed.

"So…" Killian tilted his head backwards. He had totally ruined everything. He had just been on this date for ten minutes and there was already a dead silence. Marvelous.

"You're… an alcoholic?" But Killian knew he didn't have to answer that. He grabbed his glass of water and threw it down his throat all at once. Bloody hell. "So when we met, you-"

"Aye…"

"That's alright." Wait, what?

"It is?"

"That doesn't say anything about you, you know? Some people just fall in a bigger hole than others. That doesn't make you a bad person. Now, where's that food?" Emma smiled.

The rest of the evening went smooth. Very smooth. They had so much in common and Emma's stupid jokes cracked Killian up every time. She told him how she had met Ruby and he told her how he had known her for his entire life. Although Killian had barely finished high school, he told her all the rebellious things he had done. And to his surprise, she had done some too. She also told him about her trip to London with all her friends. Including Ruby. And he told her about his family that lived in Ireland. Now only his aunt was left there. That he had tried to forget Ireland because it reminded him too much of his past, he didn't tell her. He used to visit Drogheda a lot, every vacation he had the chance. Now he hadn't been there in ten years.

And before Killian could tell her how beautiful she really looked, the evening ended. They were walking down the street, under thousands of sparkling stars. A full moon lit up the streets with a white light. In front of Killian's apartment, they stopped.

"I had a fun time, Killian."

"Aye, we should repeat that, Swan."

"We should."

Silence. A warming silence. A moment to appreciate her appearance a little more. Killian approached Emma, eyes still locked on hers. He pressed his lips, moist and warm, against her cheek and held them there for a second. He wanted to kiss the hell out of her, make out in the middle of the street. But he didn't do that. Just to make sure there was going to be a 'repeat'. When he took his lips off her cheek, Emma fell completely silent. She wasn't even breathing. She was just clenching her fist. Killian turned around, facing the door of his apartment. His hand reached the doorknob but something else reached his other hand. Emma hadn't left, she still stood there, staring at him. Not breathing. And Killian let it all slide, turned around quick and pressed his lips against hers. His hands raced through her hair and Emma threw hers around his back. It felt as if it was their first kiss. And Killian loved to believe it was. It felt more real. Killian bit Emma's lip and slowly pulled away from their kiss. He let his forehead rest on hers. She went with her lips to his forehead and kissed it slowly.

"Goodnight." She whispered and walked away.

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><p><em>Hello! I really love the fact that you guys like the story ^-^ Sorry, school's getting in the way and I hate it _ But.. Ouat started again, YAY (cheer with me). So, review? Pls?<em>


	13. Chapter 13

_Warning: This chapter can be easily skipped if you don't like smut because this chapter will contain a lot of that.__ But who am I kidding smut is life. _

Killian and Emma's next dates were extraordinarily ordinary. They were normal, average and after what they've both been through, this seemed like better than anything. They had gone to the cinema to see a new horror movie. Emma was glad her new companion wasn't a very cheesy romantic type. She hated that. The ones that didn't stop touching you, or couldn't go anywhere without you. Ugh.  
>And, like typical couples do, they organized a lot of dinner nights too. It was always cosy, snuggling against eachother in the couch afterwards. Emma had no problem whatsoever with Killian's craving. She was actually quite proud to see him trying the best he could for her to not touch any forbidden liquids. Although she missed clinging wineglasses together under the moonlight.<p>

Killian hadn't touched Emma yet, besides kissing her. He kept his hands nice and clean by his side and whenever his hands started to get dangerously close, he seemed to pull them back as if Emma were made out of porcelain. And aside from all the other things that made him a little different, that was the one thing she didn't quite understand. Because she had remembered their night. He might didn't remember it, but she sure as hell did, in the far back of her brain. And he wasn't the shy type. Definitely not. Then what kept him away from her? Was he afraid to hurt her? Didn't he see her that way? And even though if one of these statements were true, they couldn't fit. Because sometimes she could see him licking his lips out of the corner of her eye, yearning for her love. Maybe she had to take the first step then.

Tonight was going to be their fifth date. And they met up at the bar close to Killian's apartment. It was already close to midnight when they entered. But Emma was about to make sure they also left near midnight. The bar was quite empty, as always but cosy. The lights were dimmed and an old record from the 80's could be heard from the ancient jukebox in the corner. The date had started off pretty nice, with Killian teaching Emma how to dart. Killian seemed to be an excellent thrower and nearly always hit the rose. He promised to teach Emma but was paying more attention to impress her. He showed her he could hit it with his back turned to it. He performed a perfect throw on one leg with one eye closed and could even hit the rose from the other end of the bar.

However, Emma wasn't really paying attention to darts either. She wanted his mysterious shyness to end. She was bored with him being a gentlemen. She wanted him, even if it was just for one whole night, to be as rough as he could be. And remember it.

"Come here, love. I'll show you how to do it one more time, 'kay?" Killian rolled the small missile between his thumb and index finger and almost looked cross-eyed to aim his throw.

Emma shuffled behind Killian's back and slid one hand under his shirt. She made her fingers walk up to his shoulder and kissed him softly in the neck. Her lips touched his skin easy and relaxed and left them on his skin just long enough to feel goosebumps growing under his skin. She enjoyed the quickening of his heartbeat. She let her second hand slip into his vest and under his belt, not really doing anything. But he had to get the hint right?

At last, Killian threw his missile and totally missed. It struck somewhere between the poster on the wall and the television. But he kept staring at it. And didn't stop Emma from continuing.

"I'm sick of darts." She whispered in his ear, moderate and hungry. Killian's body temperature seemed to rise double as high and as much as he tried to swallow his need away, Emma could clearly see through him.

And without Emma even asking a question he answered her unasked one.  
>"Aye."<p>

He immediately sped his hand into his back pocket and threw some unknown amount of cash on the table behind him. He grabbed her hand, that was now sweaty and lead her outside. Killian's breaths were irregular and anything but even. He seemed to almost choke in them. Emma on the other hand was absolutely and perfectly relaxed. She had wanted this for fairly a long time and was sure this would do nothing but improve their relationship. And she still was curious about the reason why he pulled away from her. Yes, in past tense.

Killian opened the hall door and as good as slammed it against the concrete wall.  
>"You sure about this, Swan?"<p>

"Hell yes I am." Emma snickered. It was funny how he asked her if she was okay with it, when it was obvious that **he **was the one struggling with the realization that they were actually doing this.

The minutes inside the lift felt like ages passing by. And the fact that Killian just blankly looked in front of him wasn't really making it any more pleasant. And at the point the lift just couldn't go any slower, it stopped. Killian's eyes spread out at the creaking sound of the iron cable blocking them from going up.

"_Perfect._" Emma thought with a grimace.

"Bloody hell! Ludicrous object you are!" Killian smashed his fist onto the round buttons, who were all flashing red now.

"What now?" Emma tried to ask in her least-horny voice.

"Help will be here soon, I guess. The twats'll be here in fifteen minutes or so, don't worry."

"I'm not." Emma turned around to face Killian, who was still standing in the corner. This time not staring ahead of him, but straight into Emma's eyes. His face went completely red.

Emma pushed him deeper into the corner as she pressed her body against his beating chest. "Why are you shy?"

"S-Swan, I'm not shy." His voice trembled with yearn.

"Then what keeps you from..." Her hand cupped around the bulge inside his trousers and she quickly squeezed it. "**..this.**"

Killian's quiet scream of pleasure echoed in the dark tunnel above the lift. "It's hard to explain. You don't want to hear it, it's not a pleasant story." Although Killian's sentence was actually a little bitter, Emma only heard the voice she wanted to let scream. And nevertheless, Killian's accent could make the saddest story sound as a sequel of Fifty Shades of Grey.

"Well, let me tell you something then." Emma kissed Killian ferociously on his moist mouth. Her tongue outlined the border of his upper teeth and then she slowly bit his lip. "I'm ready."

Emma dropped to her knees sighed happy at the sight she got in front of her. Tight, black jeans with a belt keeping them in their place. Fuck belts.  
>A bloat was indisputably growing inside them, and it was still going. Her slim fingers reached for the zipper and she zipped it down. Not all at once though, just to tease him. She did almost a minute just to pull the entire zipper down, from millimeter to millimeter. Killian's breaths were heavy.<p>

"Swan..." He seemed to have a bit of a struggle. "Here?"

"Shut up and have a little fun for once." She just couldn't stop irritating him. But she knew he liked it.

She did less long to pull his underpants down and revealed his length pretty fast. She remembered it was good, but had it really been this good? Emma just stared at it, not believing she had had this in her before and not even knowing she was teasing Killian again by not doing anything.

"Fucking hell, Swan." It sounded almost insistent.

She didn't really **touch** it yet, she just licked it with the far end of her tongue. The tip of her tongue hardening Killian's tip. But after all the teasing she had done, she actually felt quite turned on now too. Without any hesitation she filled her mouth with him and let her left hand touch his ass. At that touch, Killian's head slammed backwards against the iron wall. He let out more a growl than a groan when his hands reached Emma's beautiful locks of hair. His fingers played around in them, trying the best they could to distract him from not coming. Emma whined with the amount of flesh she had inside her mouth but couldn't get enough.  
>Soon she was bobbing her head up and down Killian's length with his hands leading her rhythm.<p>

"By all gods, Emma. Go on." He murmured. She almost couldn't understand it because it was muffled away behind all the fun he was having.

Without thinking, Emma sped up the tempo and got him in deeper at the point she could normally choke. Her hair was swinging back and forth together with her head with only Killian's trembling hands to keep them as much in their place ashe could. Emma had never heard such sounds escape from Killian's mouth as she kept pumping her mouth faster and faster around him. He sounded a little like a dying whale actually. The hands in her hair stopped her from moving.

"Swan, my gorgeous Emma, you've got to stop. I don't want to come here. Don't let me come here." He appeared to be completely out of breath.

Emma got back to her feet and, honestly, also shook on her legs. Her hand wiped away Killian's juices, although they were not the juices she had hoped for. "Okay." Her voice was soft and sweet. Close to thanking, actually.

Right at that moment, the two doors of the lift were spread open by a crowbar and in the top a manly face appeared. The workers seemed to have finally arrived. Emma could hear a panicked zipping-up from Killian's trousers and a huge sigh from behind her. The man slid inside the compact room and suspiciously peeked at them from out of the corner of his eye. Did he know? Maybe he stood there listening to everything. Please say that he didn't.

But without spilling a word, the man got the lift back to work and quietly exited the elevator. It's funny how he probably had to drive all the way over here possibly not even knowing how long they had been stuck here and didn't even ask if they were okay. Which, of course, they were. More okay than they could ever be.

And within a minute Emma and Killian found themselves pulling off eachother's clothes and jumping into bed. Now that both of them were already completely turned on, it wasn't really awkward anymore. It was hot, actually. Emma seemed to have brought up Killian's inner "beast" as he crawled on top of her.

"I hate you so much." He growled and let his wet and warm lips touch hers again. His hands closed around both Emma's wrists and he nailed them above her head. "I'm playing the games now, Swan."

Emma chuckled. "Alright, let's play." Emma kissed him back brutally and pushed her nude upper body onto his. Killian's right hand knead one of Emma's breasts, hardening the nipple under his palm. He then lowered down to it and put his lips around it. He started sucking it, first very slowly and soft. But soon hard and fast, but still yearning for more. More of her.

Killian's hardened and stiff length hovered just a centimeter above Emma's dripping clit. He simply touched the boundary of her pudenda. Stroking it gently, he looked down at her with this huge smirk on his face. Still not entering anything, he started sucking her neck. Harder and harder until he heard Emma moan loudly.

"Fine, you win. YOU WIN. NOW PLEASE DO IT!"

"If the lady insists." He smirked back and gladly pushed aside Emma's clit to let his length slide inside her. He pumped up and down a few times before he went deeper, causing Emma to muffle away a scream. This time he was the one chuckling, proud of his victory. And it was also a kind of payback. His hands grabbed the back of her head and he pushed a little further. Now they were following a steady rhythm, movements perfectly synchronized. When Killian got up, Emma pushed her ass to the side he was pulling to. As if the two bodies had become one.

Their bodies were wet from the sweat, as Killian seemed to be close to coming. Emma just came her second time and was planning on coming a third, and last, time at the same moment as Killian. He started speeding up the pace. His hands aggressively pulled Emma closer to him and Emma's nails, who were attached to the hands squeezed onto his spine, left long white marks on Killian's back. And then he jerked his groin towards Emma and gushed his seed inside her. Emma got her timing right and screamed synchronized with Emma. And now they lay motionless. Both panting, unable to talk.

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><p><em>Okay, does this need words? Just one thing : Review? ^-^<em>


	14. Chapter 14

This felt different. A feeling both of them had never experienced. They didn't need anything else beside each other. Just both of them, alone. Alone together. Emma didn't have the time or the energy to figure out how she felt for him. Neither did she have any idea how he felt about her. His past and present was as vague to her as his reason to be so insecure. Something must've really scarred him. She constantly endured it in his presence. As if something was still rotting in the back of his mind but he just couldn't express it. It was a weakness, for him at least. Emma saw it more like a strength. He should be proud of what he went through. He survived that, and yes, it may have let some scars. But who cares? Emma sure didn't.  
>Emma had dated a lot of trolls. Some of them she couldn't even remember as a nice person. She had been desperate and seeking. After all, she had no one to learn from what love was supposed to feel like. Some of them had been selfish and ignorant and perhaps fully wrong for her. Others latched onto her like horrible horseflies. And if there was one fact about Emma Swan, then it would be that she really needed her own personal space. She had even tried to have something with a girl. But she had managed to put that all behind her. Until Neal Cassidy.<br>Killian, though, was different, enigmatic and interesting. He had a story to tell, but wasn't too eager to tell the world. Just the dark guy nobody notices. Except for Emma.  
>And now she was laying on his up and down moving bare chest. Listening to his very heartbeat, while he lay sleeping under her head. Something she hadn't imagined her doing for a while. And no, this was no fairy-tale relationship. No princes and princesses. No balls and pretty dresses. No unduly amount of happiness. But Emma was glad that she had bumped into him the way she did. And secretly knew he considered it the same way.<br>They had been cuddling for a long time now, still cooling down from what had just happened. But apart from Killian, Emma was still wide-awake. And not because whatever reason he could bring up, but because some silent words he had spoken some hours ago.  
>"It's hard to explain. You don't want to hear it, it's not a pleasant story."<br>Killian's Irish accent echoed in Emma's mind.  
>He couldn't even tell her. After all what happened. Was it because he didn't thrust her enough? If he couldn't thrust her, then who the hell was she?<br>She rolled over on her back but kept her eyes fixated on the closed lids of Killian. He was asleep but clearly not sunken in very deep. His hand reached blindly up to Emma's left ear and played kindly with it. Emma smiled.  
>"Killian?" She whispered hesitantly.<br>"Aye?" He whispered back at her.  
>He opened his eyes and stared sleepily back into Emma's eyes. He snuggled a little closer to her and pressed the side of his head onto Emma's and sighed.<br>"I want to know." She swallowed.  
>Emma could feel Killian lifting a single eyebrow and looking at her from above.<br>"What, love?" He spoke calmly yet slightly scared. As if he already knew what she was going to say.  
>"I want to hear what happened. Everything."<br>"Why?"  
>"Because I care about you. I want to hear why you're so hard to crack. I want to hear why you and your brother hardly get in touch. I want to hear about you for once."<br>Emma could hear Killian's jaw clenching above her. His muscles tightening and eyes closing. Like something hurt him.  
>"You're serious, Swan? I warned you, it's not quite the amusing bed-time story." He said quietly and continued to play calmly with her ear.<br>"I don't want a bed-time story, Killian. I want to know what happened." Emma turned away from Killian's weak grip and lay on her side, facing Killian. She looked in his eyes with all seriousness, proving this wasn't some joke. Killian noticed this and agreed with her request. He also turned around and looked her back into the eye.  
>"What do you want to hear, love?" He said coolly, sounding a little disturbed.<br>"Let's start with the beginning." Emma answered him fiercely. "Where are your parents? I've never heard Liam mentioning them, and neither have you."  
>Killian repositioned himself under the soft white bed sheets and started talking.<br>"My mom was a great woman. She took care of us until I was 16. Chose one hell of a husband. Perhaps he changed much. I doubt the scumbag even knew my name until I turned 10. But then…" Killian pressed his eyelids together.  
>"What happened?"<br>"She got cancer when I turned 15. Got breast cancer for some reason, although she was the first in our family. Inevitable death. We took care of her as much as we could but the cancer got the better of her. She died very young, my mother. Liam couldn't take it, the happening had literally drained all life from him. And when we had nowhere else to go to then my father, the arsehole fled. Haven't heard of'em since. Bloody don't want to." Emma felt his jaw clenching again, but with a passion for anger this time. "We used to go to the beach a lot. Every month we rented this place, with a prodigious view on the ocean." Killian forced a weak smile. Then he swallowed his bitterness away.  
>"Liam was the one to take care of me. Got me food and everything. But I was a fucking idiot. Wanted to flee just as my father did. Started getting the wrong friends but I never told Liam. Nor was I going to."<br>"But he did find out, didn't he? About your drinking problem?"  
>"Oh, but I didn't drink so much back then, lass. Just doing atrocious things, smashing places, stealing loot." Killian smiled at that, as if those times were the good ones. Emma couldn't imagine his bad days.<br>"You were like a pirate back then?" Emma tried to keep his smile in place for a second.  
>"Suppose I was." He glanced at her. There was a moment of complete silence.<br>"Then how did you start?"

"I met this women. Hardly a girl. I fell for her like a suicide from a bridge and luckily we shared the same spark. But I wasn't prepared to bleed. Moved around with her in the dark, not seeing anything what was coming …but I should have. Yes, I was in love, I won't forget that. But have you ever experienced the thing that you adore most move away from you like overpassing wind? I opened up to her, loved her and gave her everything. And the next day, she was just… gone. Like she'd never existed. Erased pencil writing. And that was the only bloody day in my life I needed someone. And yet that day I felt the most empty of all. I couldn't stand the loss. Perhaps I just couldn't stand being lonely anymore." He looked into Emma's eyes with watery eyes. "Going to Liam wasn't an option for me. He could barely function with his own pain, and I wasn't about to add mine to his. So I kept quiet, moved away from my brother. 'Cause Liam is a good man, you know that. Too good. He would've killed himself if it had to be done. But it was soon obvious who I was son of, the moment I couldn't remember half of my weeks. And the ludicrous thing is, I couldn't even admit it. Every night I found an explanation. Every morning I blamed my bad night sleep. I became the monster I was always so anxious to become. And soon, it got even more out of hand. I landed in the bloody hospital a few times, then Liam found out. He seemed timid that evening, remorseful. It was too frightening late by then, I had a problem. Have. Have a problem." Killian corrected himself. The tears stood high up in his eyes. Emma had never seen him so broken, tears streaming to the broken bits of his hurt soul. She laid her hand slowly on his warm cheek. She wanted to do something so bad. Fix him, mend him, and make him smile again. But then again, she loved seeing him like this. If his heart could be broken, it meant it still worked. She pressed her dry lips against his. Slowly, serene. Then looked into his star-sky blue eyes. A single tear came streaming down his face. She didn't notice what kind of tear it was; if it held happiness or pure pain. Perhaps a bit of both, she thought.

"It's wishing for rain in a godforsaken desert that I've found you, Swan."

"It's similarity, Killian. We searched and found eachother. It's as simple as that. Broken hearts heal eachother."

"Then what shattered you, love?" He whispered carefully. It sounded like if he would speak any louder, his voice would be interrupted by a flow of tears. His eyes switched from her one eye to the other, focussing harder on her iris.

"Neal Cassidy shattered me. Unlike you, I didn't know what I had put myself in. I had never been with a man like him. Strong, independent, borderless. Rules weren't included in Neal. Everybody knew him, and I felt lucky when his eye caught mine. And they kept looking. I took my chance, gave him every part of me. Every singly fragment of my soul, every blood drop I could spill. Head over heels, I was. He was the first person that didn't make me long for a home. I didn't care about the passing of my parents anymore, it just didn't matter anymore. We were on this never-ending highway. And he kept me on the road, because I wasn't alone anymore. And he was a perfect distraction for a seventeen year old lost orphan. Until I found out I was carrying a child. It would've been a boy. He could've been healthy." Emma started quietly sobbing. Killian quickly moved closer to her and shushed her calm again. His hand rubbed all over the back of her head.

"And I know I didn't have to do that. I should've learned him to talk, to swim. I should've looked at the stars with him every evening. But I'm not a mother! I never even had one, how could I suddenly become one? I was independent, but not brave enough to make him stay. And I couldn't do it alone, I just couldn't. So I had an abortion. I killed my own son, Killian, I'm a monster!" Her voice went high up in the air and she buried her wet face into Killian's shoulder. Her tears spread out and soaked Killian's bare flesh. Killian started shushing again and giving her slight kisses on her forehead. Although he was a little surprised by her story, comforting her was the last thing he should try. And without Killian even saying a word, Emma insisted on continuing.

"The night I found out I was pregnant, I actually saw it happening. I saw us having a family. I thought I'd have a chance in being happy. But there have to be two to agree on that. And he, just him, the moment I needed him most, gave up on me. He left that night without any words or comments spilled. I heard from him a few times when he was visiting Asia with some girl. Tamara was her name, I think. And I couldn't raise a child on my own. Can't. I can't raise a son on my own."

Killian's fingers found Emma's. He intertwined them with hers and held her close to him. This was the closest they'd ever been. They were completely opened up. Their souls lay bare next to eachother. This was something even more than love. It wasn't just the holding and kissing. She talked and he listened. He got burned and she restored his previously wounded flesh. The perfect fitting puzzle. And for once, none of them cared about their feelings for eachother. What had happened was lain down in the past. They lead eachother through life from this moment on. And Emma wasn't quite sure if she could ever let go of his grip. But the morning light soon shone through the white curtains. It lit up the chamber and let the world back in. But reality wasn't something they were ready for just yet. Light is just the shadow of reality. And sometimes it felt good avoiding it.


	15. Chapter 15

Killian hadn't woken up with a deep feeling of regret that morning. He hadn't looked to his side and become overwhelmed with a humongous hole of disappointment in his heart. He had just woken up, like he was supposed to, but with a bunch of deep golden locks spread all around his chest. Emma hadn't left. She hadn't even withdrawn from his body. He remembered every single breath he had taken the night before. He remembered her. All of her. His head hadn't been pounding, nor did he smell like god knows what. It was his first ordinary morning in a long, long while. And perhaps also his first new friend. A new companion. He had told her as good as everything. Things he hadn't even told his very own brother. Although that wasn't exactly something he was surprised of. Things he hand't even realized himself before last night. And Killian felt relieved. As if a hundred ton had fallen from his shoulders like rocks that fall from a cliff. He could breathe again, he could smile again.

Emma, to Killian's despite, had to leave pretty soon after breakfast. While some scrambled eggs lay still steaming on Emma's plate she told him she was meeting Ruby. Which reminded Killian he had to get in touch with someone important to him as well. After telling Emma she had to send Ruby his dearest regards and watching her close the door behind her, he pulled out his phone.

It was almost dead, since it hadn't recharged properly the night before. The input for the charger was immensely deformed. Scratches surrounded the dark gap in which nothing really fitted anymore. He was slightly ashamed of this, considering every blind fool even knew this was a classic sign of an addict. However, the device seemed to have just enough battery left to give a single call.

"Aye, this is Liam Jones?" The clocks were still pointing before eleven A.M., Killian had probably woken him up.

"Hey, Liam. Did I wake you up?"

"Uhm, yeah. I'm afraid so. Did something happen? Was it last night?" His voice was cracked. Worry had struck him again. _Bloody hell, what had he done to his brother's thrust?_

"I'm allright."

"You're absolutely sure? Look, I just want to hel-"

"Calm down, mate, everything's fine. You're up for a run then, eh?"

"A run?" His voice sounded equally worried.

"The leg movement, brother."

"You? I mean, us? Running?" The conversation was almost a waterfall of perplexity by now.

"Aye."

"Hey, Killian, you're sure you aren't drunk or anything, right?"

"Oh shut that mouth of yours. I'm really fine! I just wanted to spend some time with my only brother, thank you very much." Killian chuckled shortly.

"Well, look who's in a good mood. How come, brother?" Finally, the worrying stopped.

"I presume you'll have to come jog with me, mate."

"Fine. I'll see you at the oak tree in…" He heard Liam sit up to look at the clock opposite to his bed.

"In half an hour." Killian said confidently.

"Jesus Christ, what got into you? It's nine A.M for heaven's sake!"

"Don't be late, brother."

"See you then, I expect."

That lifted Killians courage. A normal dialogue with his only relative left that he had. They were talking again. They were meeting again. At the oak tree. It was a nostalgic place, although Killian didn't really consider himself the sentimental type. They had been meeting there for years. Well, actually, years ago they used to. But since Liam found out about Killian's desperate craving, Killian cancelled their runs with different excuses every single time. But the truth was: he was either too hungover to properly walk or his body trembled with anger as a result of him being ashamed of himself. But picking up the bond with his brother again wasn't the only reason why Killian wanted to see him. He had to know. Liam had the right. She was his best friend, for god's sake. Or he would find out, and for that Killian felt way too sober.

And besides, weren't they a couple now? Were they? Could he even call them that, **together**? Perhaps he could. That struck Killian for a moment. Did he, the degrading drunkard that he was, actually achieve a girlfriend? He had had a conscious night with her. But did she feel the same? Maybe it was one-way traffic in their relationship. But then again, would she have really shared a bed with a 'friend'.

His brain felt like it was about to explode. And he really should get going since the walk to the park took about ten minutes and he hadn't even put his pants on.

* * *

><p>He had just leashed Nana on and now they were heading towards the park. The sky was bright blue. Some transparent clouds made strange rippled figures. The perfect day, to be honest. He saw Liam already stretching at their tree. He was trying to show off as if he had been there a long while but his trainers weren't even filthy yet. Killian waved single-handed.<p>

"Hi, brother." Killian said. It felt as if they hadn't seen each other for years. Liam had something in his eyes, something Killian had rarely seen in the past years. Never, actually. Pride. His brother was actually proud of him for once, and even if it was a millisecond. A simple glimpse of the eye. It meant the world to Killian.  
>Liam opened his arms and hugged Killian shortly.<p>

"I'm happy to see you." Liam smiled.

"As am I. Now, cut the flirtations, I'm desperate for a run."

Liam just simply chuckled before kicking off.

It felt superior. Fresh air was circulating through his lungs again. He noticed he didn't even bring any cigarettes with him for once. Which was exceptional for Killian. He was proud of that for a second, but then it struck him that he could probably need one later on. He was going to tell him any moment now. _Damnit, he wasn't ready for this._

"How's your lass doing?" Killian decided to build up the conversation first.

"Kathryn? Oh she's fine. We are actually planning on moving in together. Well, **she** certainly is."

"That seems rather quick, don't you think?" His eyes darted sideways to his brother. He hadn't seen Liam make complicated decisions fast.

"Well, Killian, I really don't. I thrust that woman with my life. If she's ready, I am."

"Look who's the doormat."

They turned right, into the bigger section of the park.

"I am no doormat, I'm a bloody gentleman, that's what I am. I'm sorry if you don't understand, unloved brother." Liam panted shortly with an annoyingly satisfied smile on his face.

They turned around the corner. Nana was pulling her leash less and less and was currently running alongside the two of them. Even though the quietness of the conversation pleased Killian for a while, his own command haunted him. He just had to force himself through it.

"I've met someone." Killian blurted out. He was speechless for a moment. _Fuck, there it was._

Liam chocked on his breath and had to punch his chest to recover. Then he spoke, his voice still a bit breathless.

"Wh- What? That's great, mate. What's her name?"

_Damnit, that question already?_

"Her name is Emma."

"You know, my friend has that name, she is-"

"Her name is Emma Swan."

"That's amusing, Killian. Now just tell her name." Of course. Of course his brother would be in denial.

"I'm not joking, mate. I'm serious. I slept with Emma Swan."

And as much as Liam still wanted to deny that fact, he obviously couldn't. Liam stopped. Just in the middle of the road. He was gasping deeply. Killian wanted to keep running. He **did** bring the information to his brother, couldn't he just leave now? But he couldn't do it. He slowed down his pace until he too stood panting in the middle of the path. Just a few meters away from Liam.

"What?!" He wheezed.

"You know what **is **amusing? How you can change moods, mate." He tried to laugh it off but Liam totally ignored his attempt.

"You had sex with Emma?"

"That isn't really a romantic way to put it, really, but…. aye I did. Twice, actually."

"Tw- Twice? You can't just put wasted your hands on my best friend!" Liam started yelling. Killian had been hoping he wouldn't.

"Hey, mate, I wasn't drunk!"

"You weren't?" Liam raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Damnit, how could Liam know him so well?

"Perhaps the first time I was. But that was weeks ago, Liam."

"Oh for fuck's sake, Killian, you can't be serious. Tha- Wait.. A few weeks? At Tink's party! You claimed you hadn't, mate."

"I may have possibly lied." Killian spread his arms in front of him and raised them with a forced smile.

"This isn't funny, Killian, and you know it." His brother's mouth was a flat line.

"Okay. I see how this could possibly distress you, mate, but I like her."

"You had conscious sex with a woman and suddenly you decide to love her?"

"I don't love her yet, Liam. You know it's not that easy."

"That's why I'm doubting this… relationship would be a good idea, brother. You're not even over Milah yet and she lies far in the past."

Killian bit his lip. He spoke her name. Killian hated when people did that. They couldn't just say her name like any other girl. She hadn't been any other girl to him.

"Maybe she could get me to leave her there, then." Killian almost whispered. The clump in his throat grew by every word he had to speak.

"You can't use her. She's had it hard too."

"I know, Liam. We talked."

"You did?"

"Bloody hell, Liam, you think I'm just going to stick my cock into any lass who passes me?"

"Not like you've never done it before." Killian threw a strong stern look of denial to his brother? Yet still unable to find an answer to that.

"Can't you just be happy for me? For once. I haven't had this since… Milah. I haven't felt like this since she passed away. And I craved this, brother. This might change something. Bloody hell, mate, I need your support in this."

Liam sighed. He walked towards his brother and held him by both sides of his shoulders.

"You're right." Killian lifted an eyebrow, he didn't expect his brother to give his argument away like that. "You've got this. I mean, you're my brother, I should have thrust in you. Just promise me one thing, will you? Treat her well, mate. Buy her flowers and take her to the finest restaurants. I wouldn't like to see any of you unhappy."

"Thank you."

"If you really think she is good for you, then I should honestly thank you for finding her."

"I do." Killian nodded, his expression still shocked but thankful. For once, his brother understood him.

"Well then, this is going to need some getting-used-to." Liam smiled at the sky above him. An awkward silence crept in-between the brothers. Now they were just standing there, still in the middle of the road.

"Let's just run, mate." Killian blurted out and turned around.

"Marvelous idea." His brother replied. They soon ran faster then before. Nana could hardly keep up, but her tongue was still hanging from her smiling muzzle. Their soles crushed the gravel beneath them and a cool breeze passed their panting bodies. This woman may be the best thing that ever happened to Killian.


	16. Chapter 16

Missing a person was new to Emma. Missing all of him was the weirdest. She missed the space between his eyelids where she'd stare through awkward sentences and avoid through awkward silence. She missed his soft talk in the middle of the night. She missed his sweaty hands when they ran over her body and intertwined with her. She missed his fingers dug in her shoulder as she lay there, simply sleeping. For now, she'd draw her loneliness in paintings and dip them into the letters inside her favorite books. But weeks began to stretch and days felt like eternities. She couldn't spend another eternity without him.

The fact she hadn't told her family yet was destroying her on the inside bit by bit. They would want to know, they **should** know. They took care of her for over 10 years, and she repaid them with lies. Truth was, she was scared beyond belief. Mary-Margaret had always agreed with David to keep her inside for as long as possible and have none or barely contact with the outside world and all of the dangers it holds. And she had blamed them for so long that they were doing this for their own good. But Emma understood perfectly well why they were doing this. After Neal left Emma with an unborn child, the truth became inevitable. They changed since then. The trust that they had put in Emma seemed to have spilled on the floor of the Nolan mansion. She wanted to blame them, but she really couldn't anymore. They had and still did love her. And people who love you try to protect you, even if it's not the best thing to do. Even if it means for you to love them less. Even if it means for you to start hating them bit by bit. That's what parents do, even if they're not. And Emma was left to stare out the window and dream of things she wasn't allowed to do. She didn't like to be taught and held back, leave alone feel like a prisoner. But maybe once, for a while, she could listen to them. And so she did. Years passed with just Emma and the mirror above her bed that reflected the single room she couldn't leave until sunrise. But it never felt like home. And now it felt like the arms of a stranger. Like a never-ending train-ride to paradise, not being able to hop off. Plus, Killian needed her. Sometimes she was scared to leave him alone, sometimes she could see the reflection of fear deep inside his irises. They were both unstable at the moment, and a person away from being lonely. And all she wanted, all **they** wanted, was to be together.

Her hands were clamping around the book she was "reading" for the third time now, but she hadn't flipped a page in the last two hours. Her eyes focussed on what was in front of the pages: her troubles. She felt empty and afraid. She felt cold. She had to tell them, she was old enough to leave the nest where she was tight onto. And when she realized that she could't fish courage out of some random words in a book, she closed it and stood up from her bed.

She grabbed her suitcase on the way down, which she had packed a week ago, and her jacket that was thrown over the the stairway. Her lips were glued together with anxiety and her fast-pumping heart moved her to the doorway. Her hands pushed the doorknob down and pulled it towards her chest. Then, she heard footsteps approaching her quietly.

"Emma, what are you doing?" Sang the sweet voice of her cousin. David came galloping right after her with a filthy towel on his shoulder. Emma's head bolted towards them.

"I'm leaving." Emma answered her, her voice being almost as quiet as the wind.

"What?" Astonishment dripped from both their faces. Two smiles also appeared, believing this was some kind of sick joke.

"I am leaving the house." She swallowed and blinked some tears away.

"Why?" An answer Emma hadn't expected. She'd expected David to run towards her and rip the suitcase out of her hands. But he stood still, with a face of recognition. He expected this to happen.

"I want to live, David. I want to explore the world and do what I want, with every danger that comes with it. And I love you guys, but I have to go."

An awkward silence grew. The three of them staring at each other. Then Mary-Margaret stepped forward.

"What's his name?" She smiled while a warm tear rolled passed her slight smile.

"Killian." She smiled back at her. Then she dropped her jacket and her suitcase. All together with her fear. All together with the past. Her arms flung open around her cousins neck. Around her mom's neck. And then David hurried over to them and threw his in their knot of arms. All three of them started sobbing. Then crying. Then, after a while, they laughed together. The cold wars and silent weeks were over. Every one of them could now stare into each other's eyes and see a spark. How had she missed this. How had she missed them.

Mary-Margaret wiped some tears of her cheek and dug her heated head into Emma's hair.

"Call me often, okay?"

"I promise!" Emma showed a smile on her wet face.

"Who's this Killian?" For once Emma didn't mind David's protective question, she **was** going to move in with this complete stranger in her parents eyes.

"His name's Killian Jones, he lives in the middle of the town somewhere."

"As in Alfred Jones?" David exchanged some suspicious looks with her cousin.

"Who?" But Mary-Margaret interrupted Emma.

"David, you're talking about Alfred and Jane? Isn't Jane dead?"

"Yeah, I thought they might be family." Both their eyes fixated back on Emma's, who's eyelids had just separated enormously.

"Those are Killian's parents! You knew them?"

"I studied with Jane but I didn't really know her that well. Your father did know Alfred quite good, didn't you, David?" Mary-Margaret asked.

"Yes, well, Alfred was a common costumer in the town's jail..." David said these words carefully, afraid to break the jolly sphere.

"Jail?"

"Emma.." Mary-Margaret insisted to put an end to the conversation.

"No, what was he in for?"

"He was the heaviest drinker I've ever seen. Especially since his wife passed away, I once saw him dropping his sons off on the playground and then leaving to the bar on the other end of the street and I had to drop them off at their mothers. I'm surprised the kids survived with him as a father."

"David, Emma shouldn't hear this, you'll end up shocking her."

"I'm not shocked, Mary-Margaret." Emma sighed.

"I'm really sorry for him, Emma, dealing with an alcoholic father must have been really hard. He could be agressive, really agressive. They should've put him in rehab the moment he started! I never really believed he'd be good with a wife, let alone with kids." David spoke. Him and Mary-Margaret looked at each other while nodding their heads. Emma fell silent for a second. What they were saying wasn't wrong, but it made her think of Killian. He'd be good to her, right? He wouldn't be violent with her when it went wrong, would he? Emma started questioning everything for a second. Should she tell them, so she wouldn't have to later? But before she had made a decision, she had already spoken a phrase.

"I guess... I'll go now..." She struggled to form a smile on her face. Then she hugged her guardians one last time and waved them goodbye.

Killian said he was doing some more job interviews today. He had been really busy with them lately. He obviously wanted to make her proud of him. And Emma had no protest, he had to get off his ass sometimes. And that way he had something to do while Emma took her classes.

So she waited at the bus stop, her earbuds placed inside both of her ears. Her feat was slowly jamming to the rhythm of the sound flowing out of the earbuds. She was on her way to a whole new life, a whole new beginning, with a whole new someone. She had trust in him.  
>Cars passed Emma like a whirlwind, including a black one. But that one just seemed to park some meters away from her, she didn't pay any more attention to it because moments later the bus arrived. It was almost empty excluding an old man and his wife that had fallen asleep on his shoulder. The old man gently stroke the back of the lady with a grin on his face. He still loved her.<p>

Could she ever end up like that?

She sat down at the far end of the bus, where she liked it. That way she had a view of the whole bus while no soul could just stare at her. Her eyes darted out of the window and followed the flashing white stripes on the asphalt. The street lights flickered inside the bus and made it seem like an orange flashlight flickered on and off. A car passed the bus, the same black one as before. But instead of continuing down the road, it slowed down next to the bus. It began to accelerate right next to Emma again. She tried to see who was in it, who was so desperate to see Emma heading to Killian, but the windows were blinded.  
>Then, the passenger next to the driver rolled his window down. It was quite an old man, with semi long hair. His sunglasses hid most of his face, but Emma could read the stern look from the wrinkles on his forehead. His clothes were formal and in his right hand he was holding a cane with a golden tip. He smiled. Then, he rolled the window back down. The car accelerated again and drove away from the bus. Emma was astounded. What had just happened?<p>

Was she being followed?

* * *

><p>Emma rang the door, Killian was already home. Once she heard the bell echo in Killian's small apartment she heard heavy footsteps sprinting towards the front door. He had some struggle to open the lock but succeeded after cursing at the opening a few times. The he swung the door open.<p>

"I was cleaning, Swan, I'm sorry if it's not tidy. And are you sure it's not too small, I could try to rent another place if you'd-" Killian was almost out of breath but obviously happy to see her. Emma hadn't even heard the useless apologies and threw her lips on his. She kissed him hard and he was thrown against the wall behind him. Emma laughed behind their kiss.

"I missed you." She whispered and lay her forehead against his.

"I couldn't stop thinking about you." Killian whispered back at her. He started kissing her neck gently while she held him close to her.

"How did they react?" Killian said between his soft butterfly kisses.

"Very good, actually, you'd be surprised." He smirked against her skin as a response. She giggled as he began to unbuckle her bra. "You know, this very weird thing happened just now."

"Oh, tell me all about it, love." He pushed her towards the living area while still placing kisses all over her skin.

"I guess it's nothing. Just, this black car followed me all the way to here. Really strange isn't it? And then this guy with a cane kept looking at me. Plain creepy." She kisses on Emma's skin stopped. Killian quit walking Emma over to the couch and swallowed.

"A guy?"

"Yeah, you know, the pervy guy with the suit and the sunglasses." Why did he stop?

"A cane?"

"Uhh, I guess.. I didn't really see it well, it seemed to have a golden handle with some flower pattern on it.. What about it?"

"Bloody hell!" Killian suddenly threw himself out of Emma's arms and practically pushed her against the wall. A little more violent and less loving then he normally was.

"Killian!" Emma called after her. But he had already ran out of his apartment. He didn't even bother to take the elevator and rushed down the long spiral of stairs. Emma jogged after him, still confused about what happened. Way down the stairs she heard him slam the door behind him, so hard she could almost hear the glass crack.

"Killian!" She shouted again. His mind was clearly somewhere completely different. What in hell got into him? Her legs when so fast she fell down the last couple of steps. "Fuck!" Her knee stung and a thin stream of blood gushed out of it. She pulled her body from the ground and stumbled to the door that headed outside.

There he stood, in the middle of the street. His shoulders held up higher than she'd ever seen them. He stood tall, like a bear scaring his enemies. He had this look on his face. Similar to a lion when a traitor enters his domain. It wasn't only an expression only few could show, it was also one of the most scary expressions she'd ever seen him put on. Killian looked as if he was ready to kill. Ready to bash someone's skull in and kick them until they bled out. His fists were clenched so hard that veins popped to the surface of his skin. His cheeks were bright red and his eyes were as open as they could be.

"Where are you?! You cannot hide from me, not again! I am calling you out!" He screamed. The sound came out of the depths of his ash-covered lungs. He paced with heavy footsteps around the road in front of his apartment.

"Crocodile! I know you can hear me, I know it" His hands grabbed a piece of rock from the road and threw it as far as he could.

"Come near her again and I'll end you!" Emma tried to hug him from behind and sushed him to calm down. But his body kept resisting.

"You hear me!? I'll **end **you! I don't care how it happens but you're done for, understand you little rat?!" His shouting echoed all the way down the street. People were opening their windows to see what all the fuss was about. Emma sobbed and pleaded.

"Killian, please, come back in with me." But Killian was still refusing.

"You're nothing but a coward, Crocodile! And if you ever lay a finger on her, just one bloody finger, you'll lose all ten! You hear me?!" Then Emma started shouting.

"Killian! Killian please! You're scaring me! You're really scaring me!" She cried out. She was pulling on his shirt but when she noticed Killian was still aggressively looking around him she broke down in heavy tears. She then ran back inside, way up the stairs and back in his apartment, of which the door stood still wide open. Her knee bled all over the floor and she sped into his bedroom where she rolled up into a ball and tried to filter what she had just witnessed. She was shaking, and legit scared. Her eyes had never seen him like this and she'd never expected that he had this alter ego inside of him. But what if that wasn't his alter ego, but just the real Killian Alfred Jones? The thoughts made her doubt her decisions and she whimpered at the thought.

In the far distance she heard a door closing silently. Killian walked into the bedroom and stood at the end of the bed.

"Emma..." He whispered.

"No!" She cried.

"Forgive me..." He breathed even more quiet than before.

"Who was that?" She sobbed.

"You don't know him, Emma, it's-"

"No! Who was that, on the street. Who was that man shouting down the street?"

"Emma..."

"Who?!" She looked up with a fierce expression. She was angry at him. He had scared the hell out of her, he had embarrassed her and the most important thing, he had made her doubt him.

"That wasn't me, love." He came laying down on the bed with her. He crawled up to where she was laying and put his arm around her.

"You really scared me Killian." She sniffed and blinked her last tears away.

"I'm sorry." And he dug his head into her shoulder. Calm at last.

* * *

><p><em>Heeeere's my update! Sorry it took so long... Oh and by the way, I loooove reading your reviews! And yes, there is some trouble up ahead if you didn't get the hint out of this chapter. And just for the sake of music, I would strongly recommend a song named Small Hands but Keaton Henson, i absolutely adore it ^-^ Now, thanks for reading and could you leave a review? Thanks :D<em>


	17. Chapter 17

Emma woke up to a distant breeze blowing the single sheet off of her body. The eggwhite sheet that had been draped over her was now soaring swiftly and elegantly to the floor. Her skin was kissed with morning light and her eyes drowned in it. Killian had left the door open. Her eyelids, suddenly heavier than the night before had to get in shape before she could see where she was. It didn't take long for Emma to realize she hadn't made it home last night. Not that she minded that. She had possibly passed out. The day had been tiring, with every most unexpected event that had magically and unfortunately occurred just less than 24 hours ago. It all felt a little unreal. Finally leaving home, a plus, strange men observing every single toe she moved, not such a plus. And then Killian acting nothing like she'd ever seen a human being act. Almost beastlike. It had freaked the absolute crap out of her. Now that she thought about it, last night's mood swings had probably brought her down to bed.

God, this was like puberty all over again.

Now that her eyes had finally adjusted to the bright morning light she could really sense how much her body was quivering with the sky's breath tracing over her goosebumps. The horripilation made her instinctively tug at the leftover bed sheets tickling her toes. Her eyes then fell next to her, right under her nose. An empty side of the bed. Not an especially weird empty place. It was just lonely. No Killian. And this wasn't just an ordinary lonely spot; it was particularly abnormal because this wasn't Killian. Just leaving like that. And that while she had just moved in. No, something was the matter. Well, of course there was. Emma couldn't deny the fact that Killian had been shouting at the emptiness and darkness not so long ago, still, she prayed that she could. And although she had no clue, absolutely not a single idea of what his sudden madness was actually about, a blind man could see this was serious business.

Emma stretched her arms above her head and by accident hit the wall behind her. She groaned softly.

"Damnit."

The pain in her arm seemed to trigger a foregoing feeling. Almost intuitively the muscles in her knee tightened and with the soft touch of her hand she brought the knee closer to her face. It had been bandaged. Nice and clean, with snow-white plaster. The question about who had done this didn't really come to Emma since it was pretty obvious this was Killian's work. No, the most important thing was: How in hell hadn't she woken up? Had she really passed out because of the stress?

Emma decided not to fret about it any further and threw her quivering legs over the side of the bed. Damn it was cold.

But she actually liked this kind of weather. The kind of idea, that sort of image you get while reading a romantic book. It's never full summer in those, either. Just the perfect climate when the sun is up and ready, but its just cold enough for two people to fit under a flannel and watch Netflix. And you can go for a perfect jog under a warming sun while your pants form transparent clouds.

Nevertheless, not the kind of weather where you leave the fucking door open in the morning. On the way to the hall she quickly grabbed one of Killian's old sweaters that was poorly put over one of his chairs and clothed herself with it.

Emma soon discovered the source of the chilly wind when she turned around the corner. Long, frosty and semi-see-trough curtains were fluttering in a calming rhythm and carried the cold in their white and extending arms. It was easy to look through them. Emma could see the sun, a finite view of the city and Killian's poor-sized balcony. And of course Killian himself, placed on it. Literally, placed. He was practically hanging over the balcony as if a giant hand had just forcefully pulled him out of the bed, out of Emma's arms, lifted him up and deposited him on his concrete balcony. He could easily be sleeping in that position and now that Emma thought about it, he possibly had. Not anymore, though, she could see his right arm move heavily up and down now and then. Together with his lazing head that surveyed the traffic. Emma sighed.

She turned on her heels and set foot to the kitchen to make herself some cheap breakfast. But hey, she wasn't complaining, at least she got to make her own and not get dinosaur-formed ones from her naïve cousin. A less campy sight interrupted the dreams; on the counter there was a dark bottle placed with an unreadable name. Emma didn't need a smell, nor a name to figure out what might be inside of it. For her, it's nothing new, coming into someone's house and wake up to bottles of alcohol surrounding her. But with Killian it was different. In fact, everything was different with Killian. And besides all the positive changes he brought to Emma's life, this, for once, wasn't one she could smile about. Her hands moved towards the counter and her head tilted slightly. In company with the bottle of liquid there was actually a filled-up glass. It clearly wasn't even touched. Was there someone else sharing his drink? Did he just take the bottle to sip from? But why would he fill up the glass too, then? Before any more questions busted through her skull, a low voice spoke coming from outside.

"I didn't do it. Don't worry, Swan."

She was used to jolting her head towards an unexpected sound, but her view was fixed on the bottle. Completely out of focus. She didn't give Killian a look but emptied the glass into the sink, watching while the brown liquid dripped through the holes and into the metal tube. When her eyes focused back and she could blink her eyes willingly again, she glanced at the now empty door opening where Killian had probably stood a mere moment ago. He had returned in an even more nonchalant position on the balcony and was now putting his full weight on his palms while he tried to look as stern as possible. Emma's long fingers tugged her boyfriend's sweater closer to her chest and walked towards the balcony.

"Killian?"

She pushed the curtains out of her view and got a full look of Killian.

"You're smoking."

"You can't restrict me from all my bad habits, lass."

"No, just, you only really do it when there's something on your mind."

A forced smirk appeared on Killian's face. He repeated Emma's words almost contemptuous.

"Something on my mind."

"How long have you been standing here?"

She didn't even get a look in return.

"Killian, have you even slept?"

Killian kept his eyes fixated on the never-ending honking traffic below them.

"Jesus Christ Killian, it's freezing cold!"

Emma draped an arm around him and felt him shivering badly under her arm. She put another one under his arm for support and lifted his blue-ish forearms from the banisters.

"Let's get you inside."

Killian didn't even resist. And even if he would want to, he would probably break his own muscles, sleepless and probably stiff from the cold. Her left arm grabbed him firmly by his waist and the other arm held him by his shoulder. Both of her eyes were locked on his feet, which were having trouble getting over the step to the living room. She did the best she could to hold as much Killian as she could but he was taller then her and besides loosely holding onto her he was letting himself hang completely from her arms. She could almost cheer when they reached Killian's sofa and she could release her grip on him with every step they took. And at last, she let his body collapse on the couch. Killian didn't even reposition himself after that and stayed an awfully tired slump body while he silently whispered her name. His voice was weak and low. He must've used all his courage to speak the last words he had to her because they had stood stronger than the pile of words he was constantly presenting her. He mumbled her name and sentences that sounded an awful lot like pleading. And after the mumbling she heard him take a breath and try to give her an explanation. With his face turned towards the floor and his teeth clattering she couldn't make out full sentences. The word 'danger' seemed to be spoken a lot by his lips. But Emma wasn't exactly sure what to worry about anymore. Deep down she wished to get rid of it for a second. Put it 6 feet underground. Buy the place and see it burn. And it wasn't exactly like she hadn't considered it before. Was it even worth it all?

She immediately regretted those thoughts. Killian was worth every spark she could get out of her body. And a lot more.

Emma dragged at least five blankets towards Killian and started wrapping him around the first one. After succeeding to keep him from falling back and faceplant back into the cushions she managed to get three around him and she placed the others around him for support and kept one for herself. She closed the door that lead to the balcony. She made tea. She found a drawer with some cookies and served them to Killian. Just to find him completely passed out in the sofa, wrapped in warm blankets. Emma smiled and snuggled against him, this time ready to catch him when he woke up.

* * *

><p><em>Sorry if it's a bit short, i'm editing all my horrible grammar mistakes from previous chapters :3 If you enjoy the chapter, or the story, you could leave a review or something, I'd really like that! I read every one of them and they really brighten my day ^-^ Thanks!<em>


	18. Chapter 18

Emma had decided to stay the weekend at her cousin's.

She had left Friday morning, leaving Killian in his curled-up state on the couch for the seventh time.

Mary-Margaret was happy to see her arriving and promised her an amazing weekend. Emma explained how Killian had acted the past week. How it had started with him boosting out of his apartment and how it continued with him staring anxiously out of the window every day. He wouldn't talk, he wouldn't eat and he would only sleep when he almost passed out looking out on the street. Emma figured he needed time. Maybe a weekend was enough. Maybe not.

The two and a half days she had stayed back at her old house were pleasant. David had made his famous lasagne. They even went mini-golfing one evening. She'd missed this. But she missed Killian more. She couldn't help but worry. He was in an unstable state, how could she even leave him alone like that. How could she put her own pleasure in front of her love and caring for him?

She hadn't completely taken off without an eye on him. She'd contacted Liam, explained shortly what Killian had been up to and that she was leaving for the weekend. Liam texted Killian from time to time, but to no avail. It wasn't a surprise though, Killian never answered texts.

It was Monday morning. Emma had woken up to the smell of pancakes and her bags standing under the snow-white stairs. She was happy to return to him. Happy to hold him again. Hopefully to hold the old him again. She waved her parents goodbye and hopped onto the bus. She set off to the supermarket first and got Killian's favourite meal. Salmon with baked potatoes. She grabbed an apple or three from the fruit section before entering the bus and proceeding to Killian, her heart already pounding.

Emma ringed his apartment from the ground floor. No answer.

Again.

Silence.

He could be out. Luckily she remembered where he had stashed his extra keys. In the letterbox under the pile of advertisements. In the elevator she had time to sigh and breathe out the stress. It would be all right. They would be fine. They would be together.

When she reached his door she couldn't suppress a wide smile. His door wasn't locked. He was in there, waiting for her. The two days of silence and the mysterious not-answering of the door was all a set-up, a surprise. _Stupid girl. _

She turned the knob and swung open the door.

"Killian?" She smiled.

But it didn't take a second before she had noticed something was off. She felt a familiar breeze coming from the window. But that wasn't it. The smell. The trail she refused to reek. Oh god, the smell.

"Killian?" Also, the silence. It was gnawing. The silence, it was deafening.

And then she did it. She turned around the corner.

Everything was smashed and covered in red smudges. Glass covered the wooden floor what used to be hers. The window was partly broken with outside a pile of flesh and fur. And a note.

But that wasn't what Emma was interested in. It was the man in the left corner. Or the pile of man. Blood oozing from his right hand, an empty bottle in his left. His fingers were weakly holding onto one of what seemed like more than five other bottles. Emma guessed they weren't water. The plastic bag fell to the ground and two apples rolled in between the shattered bottles on the ground.

Her eyes watered. Her lip started trembling. She flung herself in the direction of Killian. His black T-shirt, being the same one he was wearing when she left, covered in blood and booze and salty tears. Emma lifted his chin. His cheeks were red. Bright red. Red from crying. Red from wiping the tears away. But worse, red from drinking. His face was pale. Almost blue and ice cold.

"W-why?" She sobbed.

Killian's eyes opened. Slowly and not completely. His head lolled to one side and he smiled. It was scary. Seeing him smile after a week of nothing but his back turned to her.

"Milah." He whispered. He seemed to try to touch Emma with his hand but flinched at the pain he felt.

"Milah, I'm s- I'm sorry." He grinned. The words not matching his expression. Then his eyelids fell to his skin again.

Emma backed away with her hands in front of her mouth. Keeping her from screaming. She hit the flipped sofa with her back and went with her hands trough her hair. She couldn't speak. Something blocked her voice. All she could do was whimper and sob. Then she turned to the window and ran outside, to the pile of fur. This body was less alive. Blood dripped onto the concrete balcony. The neck was bright red. The note.

_The money. Or next time it's the blonde._

Without realising what she was looking at, Emma pressed the hotkey and heard Liam's voice.

"Emma? Emma! Emma, hello?" She wasn't answering, just sobbing and trembling. And suddenly, the blockage disappeared.

"It's Nana."

"What about her?"

"Emma, what happened? Talk to me!"

"She's… She's dead."

* * *

><p>Emma was kneeling next to her boyfriend for what felt like an eternity before Liam stormed into the room.<p>

"Jesus Christ." He whispered at the sight he got.

She was trying to get Killian to stay awake by holding his head upright and talking sweet-talk.

"Liam, he's not okay. He couldn't recognise me, Liam what do I do?" She was crying vigorously until her friend put a hand on her shoulder and sushed her calm.

"He's going to be fine. Emma, look at me." She turned her head.

"He's getting through this, okay?" Emma nodded, not sure if she believed him. But damnit, she wanted to.

"Now answer me, how many has he got?"

"I-I don't know. I counted five bottles but he sh-shattered some and I don't know what-" The rest of her sentence spilled out together with her tears and she couldn't remember them.

"We have to get him on the sofa. Mind helping me?"

"No.. S-Sure."

When Liam grabbed Killian from under his arms, Killian reacted aggressively; swinging his arms from left to right and screaming nothing but nonsense. When Emma lifted his feet he fell motionless again. Breathing dangerously slow.

"Flip the sofa around, could you, love?" Emma blinked at the nickname. The couch flipped, Liam shoved his brother onto it.

"Grab those cushions for me, please." He puts it under his legs and one behind his head to keep it to the side.

"What are you doing, Liam? What is happening?" She screeched.

"He's poisoned. Badly, I'm afraid. He'll go into shock soon, we have to keep him from choking on his vomit. I know it sounds bad, but it's necessary."

Emma held Liam close to her as she saw Killian start to shake violently. His limbs convulsing and trails of white foam leaving his mouth into a bucket Liam had placed there. Emma saw his eyes turning away into his head and before she could start crying again, Liam made her turn away from the sight.

"How long will he…"

"Until he's finished."

"F-for his dog?"

"I think it's more than that, really. This must be because of that drug dealer. The Crocodile they call him, I think. He's been haunting Killian and his so called 'friends' for a long time. Something must've come up and they blamed Killian. Never mess with those guys. He must've tried to forget it all. Damnit."

Emma saw Liam bite his lip.

"Why is he so afraid of him?"

"He hasn't told you yet?" He frowned.

"Told me what?" She spoke a little louder, over the sound of Killian still vomiting.

"They killed Milah. They made his life to what it is today."

_Breathe, Emma. Breathe._

"He doesn't want to lose you the same way."

Silence. Again.

"Wh-Why are you so fucking calm about all this?" She cried.

"I'm not." He simply answered.

They turned around synchronized when it all went quiet. Killian wasn't shaking anymore. He wasn't puking. He wasn't even breathing. Emma couldn't stand this. She was beginning to think she might go into shock herself. She needed to calm down.

_You may say I'm a dreamer._

"Call 911!" Emma screamed.

"Already did." Liam breathed when he sped to his brother.

_But I'm not the only one._

"Fuck, fuck, fuck. He's going into coma." Liam was slapping Killian's face. Emma stood frozen in place. Being completely useless. She wished she'd paid more attention in class, she might've helped Killian more. But now, she stood staring at a dead body with her mouth hanging open widely.

_I hope someday you will join us._

A horde of men ran past her and heaved Killian onto the brancard. And they left with him.

Liam took her hand.

"They're going to pump his stomach empty and then we're putting him into rehab." He whispered while he kissed her forehead. "Like we should've done years ago. He will live, Emma." He wiped her tears away. "I promise."

_And the world would be as one._


End file.
